I know I have become SO bad at posting. I sincerely mean to, but then the words just don't come.

Allison is 4 months old now. She smiles nonstop and has thrown out a giggle here and there that will just brighten even the darkest day. She is such a little pleasure to be with. Her biggest dislike, though? Being alone. She hates it. This also means she hates her carseat, since it faces backwards and she can't see anyone. Therefore, as long as she can see you, she is the happiest little thing. It is so easy to get a smile or a squeal out of her. She melts me into a puddle every single time. I adore that girl!

Ethan is doing great. He will proudly say he is 5 1/2 now and is waiting until he can say 5 3/4. He is doing wonderfully in Kindergarten and for the most part, he really likes it. He seems to have a lot of friends. He adores Allison, and loves trying to make her smile. He will rub her fuzzy head and call her his "little princess."

Jay just started a 10 week layoff. It is a blessing in disguise. It's so nice having him home. The kids love it, too. I just wish we could manage to have him home all the time, but it's just not possible. We are definitely enjoying it while we can!

I am still working days and I really like it. The 12 hour shifts are rough, but the 8 hour shifts balance it out so nicely. I have had much better days at work lately, so that has been refreshing.

All in all, everything is going well! I will update next with pictures, I promise!

Is it possible to hate a job because you love it so much? Does that even make sense?

I love being a nurse. There is not a doubt in my mind that this was what I was meant to do (besides being a mother). I get HUGE fulfillment out of it. I love the connections I have with my patients. I love it!

But...I hate it. I hate it because there are so many different aspects. You have multiple patients, all the patients have numerous diagnoses, consults, orders, labs, tests, etc. So you juggle all of this, and of COURSE in the meantime, things will go wrong. A high potassium here. A low magnesium there. This patient has a high heart rate. Her blood pressure is through the roof. Did you know 606 is ready to go to OR? Where is the EKG? She was supposed to have an EKG done first, and there isn't one. Ma'am? I'm thirsty, will you get me some water? Hey Laura! You are getting an ER in 612 and they are on the phone calling report. But as soon as you are done getting report, Dr. Hateful needs to ask you some questions about your patient.

This is the part I have issues with. There is one nurse. And a million "issues". And since there is only one of me, there is no way I can address all these issues at the pace that the patients want them addresses. So while you FEEL like you are working your heart out, you have patients tell you "I waited 20 minutes for this!" "Did you know my call light has been on for 6 minutes? Does it even WORK?"

This has been the craziness I have had at work for the past 3 weeks. Tonight I felt a change. I had difficult patients, but I wasn't being pulled in every direction. I got all my work done, and I felt good about it. Then 5 PM rolls around and I find out I am getting an unstable patient, comfort measures only. Low blood pressure, high heart rate, high respiration's. Not good. She was okay when we got her in her room. When I went to check on her an hour later, I was putting an allergy band on her arm when I noticed her skin was cool and clammy. Uh-oh. We get some vitals as we watch her take very slow respiration's. The blood pressure wouldn't register. I watched her take her last breath. I had to call the daughter to inform her that there had been a change in status and she needed to come back. The daughter shows up and I have to tell her that her mother has passed. It was heart wrenching, as I knew it would be, and my voice cracked when I said it. I'll never get used to that.

The daughter thanked me. And as I was walking out, my other patient thanked me. She said she appreciated how attentive I was to her. She said it was the best care she has ever had. Granted, I bet she said that to everyone. Earlier in my shift I sat with my patient and let her tell me how her son died unexpectedly a few months ago. My terribly confused lady across the hall who would yell and scream would grab my hand and quiet down whenever I'd go in to see her and caress her hair. These are very little things compared to the other things we deal with day to day. But if there is one thing that keeps me from becoming burnt out, it will be THOSE moments. The moments where I know I made a difference to someone, even if it's small.

I do love my job. I do. I was meant to be a nurse.

What a day!

Allison had her first ER trip. As a nurse, the thought of taking my sweet baby into an ER makes me shudder, but I became desperate and scared.

It actually started late this afternoon. She has always been a hard baby to burp, and occasionally she will get fussy and you just know her belly is hurting. But this time it wasn't immediately after she ate, so I was a little confused. I had taken her and Ethan on a walk. She was in the stroller and Ethan was riding his bike. We went to a little park and she was really enjoying herself. All of a sudden she started this awful, high pitched scream, and cried the entire way home. Normally when she does this, I know the tricks to comfort her. I will apply some pressure to her belly by laying her across my lap or I'll hold her against me tight. NOTHING was working. I had never heard her cry like that. I almost called for someone to come pick us up, but instead we walked home and by the time I got home, she was fine.

Later that evening I was at my parents house. Ethan was playing with my dad and my mom and I were sitting with Allison. She was laying on the couch being so content. All of a sudden she started the high pitched scream again and nothing we were doing was helping. And we tried it all. Then she vomited. It wasn't spit up. It was very thick. She did this 4 times and continued to scream. My mom and I debated on what to do, and eventually decided to go to the hospital.

She cried a lot when we first got there. Her heart rate was really high. We finally got her settled and the doctor came in. She is hoping it was just a really bad gas bubble, but she said it could also be a kink in her intestine that corrected itself. Since she was not showing any symptoms anymore, the doctor did not feel it was necessary to do an x-ray on her and expose her to radiation. Instead we were told to watch her and if it happens again, to bring her back immediately.

I am praying this was just a bad tummy. She came home and drank about 4 ounces of a bottle and she is resting. I will definitely be on high alert, though!

My poor baby :(

For the last many, many years, I have been 100% confident that I wanted 3 children. I was CERTAIN. Even the first few weeks after Allison was born, I still had that longing for just one more.

But then I slowly started changing. I just realized how complete I felt. Everyone knows how head over heels in love I am with Ethan. It's undeniable. I adore that boy. And I selfishly got him all to myself for just over 5 glorious years. When I found out I was pregnant with number 2, I was absolutely thrilled, but I kept thinking that I didn't want Ethan to feel left out. He was my BOY. My baby!

Then little miss Allison graced us with her presence. HER presence. I had a little girl! I was actually a mommy....to a girl! I didn't think I would ever get a girl, for some reason. But there she was! In all her chubby glory. MY baby girl. I think I call her "mama's girl" more than I call her Allison.

It was then that it hit me. I had my boy. My only boy. And now I have my girl. My only girl. I feel so satisfied and my heart feels so full. They are MORE than I could ever imagine.

Now this is not to say that I might change my mind someday. In fact, I bet I do. There is just something about your kids getting bigger that make you want to do it "just one more time!" And if I were to get pregnant, I'd be shouting from the rooftops with happiness. I'm just saying that if this was it...if my family was complete... I would be 110% happy with that.

It's been forever! I have to do better with this because I blogged all the time when Ethan was little and I still love looking back at those posts.

We are all doing wonderful!

I am back to work. I dreaded it, but now that I am actually back, I am very happy. I work days, which means I am home in the evening with my family, and that always makes me very happy.

Ethan is doing great! He is full of life and keeps us laughing all the time. He is doing awesome in kindergarten. His teacher complimented him on how well he is doing with blending letters together and sounding them out. He has a nice little group of friends at school and he never gives me a hard time with getting out of bed and getting to school.

Allison is just beautiful. She sleeps amazingly well at night. She smiles now, and when she smiles, she smiles with her whole body. She'll curl up into a little ball and just look so happy.

This week is a fun one. Thursday there is a family Halloween dance at Ethan's school that we are going to. Friday he normally doesn't have school, but he is going in to participate in the school parade. He is so excited to wear his costume. Did I mention he is going to be a bee? He picked it out himself and he thinks it's the greatest thing ever. He looks pretty darn cute in it. That night we are taking him to trunk-or-treat at our church. Saturday we are taking him back to the haunted house for friendly monster time. We took him once before and he loved it, so we are taking him again. They keep the lights on and the "monsters" hand out candy. Afterwards, we are going to Bacon library to trick-or-treat in the old house, and then we will trick-or-treat at home later that night. Sunday Allison is going to be dedicated at church. Fun weekend!

It's been 6 years since my Uncle Frank died and I remember that night like it was yesterday.

It was a cold, rainy night. My parents were up north, Leslie was house-sitting out in Newport, and Jay and I were relaxing and watching TV. I was suffering from some sinus issues so I took some Benedryl and I was half asleep on the couch when the phone rang. It was my Uncle Jim. He said he hadn't heard from Uncle Frank in a while and he was wondering if I knew where he was. I told him I had no idea, but if he wanted me to, I'd drive by his house to see if he was home. He told me absolutely not, that Frank would be mad if he knew we were checking up on him. We both laughed, agreed, and hung up.

About a half hour later, the phone rang again. It was the bartender and family friend from the K of C. She told me that some lady just called the K of C hysterical, and he was looking for my dad. She had no other details. I thanked her for telling me and hung up.

Deep down, I just knew. My hands were trembling and I was in the kitchen when I tried calling my Uncle Jim back to tell him. The phone rang and rang. I believe he was on the other line. He finally answered and all he said was "Frank's dead, I have to go."

The phone line went dead and I fell to the ground. Jay came into the kitchen and I was hysterical. I kept saying "I have to go home, I just have to go home. I need to tell my parents and my sister." I called Leslie's cell phone and she almost didn't answer. When she did, I choked out the awful news and we cried together. I told her I was going to mom and dad's to find the number to the campground.

When I got there, the house was empty. I was looking through their phone books, looking for a phone number. When I was searching, their phone rang and the caller ID said it was my Grandma. My first thought was that she already knew Frank was dead and she was looking for my dad. Since he obviously wasn't home, I figured I better answer and I'd do whatever she needed me to do. I answered the phone crying and she asked me what was wrong. My God, she didn't know. I had to tell her that her son was dead. Once I told her, she dropped the phone and started screaming. She never did pick the phone back up.

I finally go ahold of the security at the campground and they told my parents, who called me.

Once this was all over, my sister and I met at a coney island to talk. I think we mostly sat in silence, though. Once I got home, my phone kept ringing and ringing. It was all different family members calling to see what happened. I was exhausted physically and mentally, and I just wanted my mom and dad to come home.

It was, by far, the most tragic night of my entire life and I will likely never forget all those details.

It's been 6 years and a lot of the time it feels like yesterday.

Rest peacefully, Uncle Frank. I wish you could have met Ethan and Allison.

Long time, no update!

Things are going so well! Allison is just the sweetest baby. She is very alert and snuggly. She loves to be held, and she is in luck, because I love to hold her. She sleeps extremely well. When we put her to bed, she only wakes up once to eat and be changed. I have been blessed with 2 children that sleep really well!

Ethan just adores her. He calls her his "little princess". He is very sweet and loving towards her and we haven't seen a single ounce of jealousy on his part. He loves to help out with her.

Ethan also started Kindergarten! I was so worried about this, but he is doing just amazing! He loves school. He has made some new friends and he is excited to go in the mornings. He is also very happy when I pick him up. Just today he turned his bedroom into a classroom and decorated the walls with things from his Kindergarten classroom. It is too cute. His "student" is our Beagle, Logan. Today Logan learned his letters and they talked about the weather. :)

All in all, things are going very well. We are all just so happy. I will post some pictures soon!

So! Things are going really well. Here is Allison's birth story:

I had a scheduled induction for a few reasons. I was scheduled to go in at 9 AM. We showed up kinda early and I was hooked up to the pitocin by 10 AM.

Things moved slow. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but the contractions weren't bad. They were somewhat regular, but not painful.

After a couple hours, I was checked and I was 3 cm and 75% effaced. Again, we were hoping things would move quicker. Fortunately, my OB was in and told me at 2 she wanted to break my water to get the contractions stronger and more regular.

At around 1:30, I made the decision to get an epidural. Things had been so easy up to that point, I just didn't want to start to feel uncomfortable if I didn't have to. Jay and I had had a very quiet morning all that time, just chatting and watching TV, I wanted to keep things that way as long as possible.

No lie, the epidural was no fun. I was really scared. He had to poke me twice. About a half hour after the epidural was placed, two residents came in to break my water. I had started to feel really funny at this point. I felt really weak and it was like my vision was in slow motion. I assumed the epidural was supposed to make me feel like that, so I didn't say anything at first. When the doctors went to lower my bed to break my water, I asked if that feeling was normal. The nurse said no, and checked my blood pressure. It was 60/30. I panicked. It was super scary. She immediately got anesthesia back in the room, along with 2 other doctors. They were pushing IV fluids into me SO fast. Fortunately, with me being upset and all the fluids I received, my blood pressure came back up and stayed. It was a very scary moment.

After my water was broke, the contractions became regular, but very very weak. I was starting to think it was never going to work! At around 5, I told Jay to go to my parents house to get some dinner. They live right across the street. My best friend, Kristen, was there visiting me, and she said she'd stay until he got back.

As Kristen and I were chatting, I started to feel a little uncomfortable. I texted Jay and told him the contractions were starting to hurt so he should head back. Thankfully, he came RIGHT back. As soon as he got there, I told him he needed to get the nurse because I was feeling a ton of pressure. The nurse and my OB came in and I was complete!

I had already arranged for my sister to be in the delivery room, but I didn't think I was allowed another person in there. Because of the crazy fast circumstances, Kristen also stayed, and it was awesome. It could not have been more perfect.

I pushed for about 15 minutes. Hearing my doctor say "It's a girl!" was the most incredible thing. Jay was in heaven. He wanted a little girl so bad.

Allison Jaye was born at 6:49 PM. She is just beautiful and we are so in love with her. Ethan is an extremely proud big brother and has been just wonderful with her. He is also a huge help for me.

As for me, I am feeling okay. With Ethan, I was so overwhelmed. This time around, I am feeling very calm and I am enjoying everything so much. I could stare at her for forever. I keep saying to Jay "I can't believe we have a girl!" She is just a dream come true.

Right now Jay and I feel so complete. There is no question Ethan has always been my world, and now that I have my little girl, our family just feels so...right.

Allison Jaye Kowalski made her grand appearance at 6:49 PM. She was 8 pounds, 3 ounces and 19 inches long. She is GORGEOUS and we are just so crazy about her!

Jay is just over the moon. He adores her. He was incredible during the delivery. He was so encouraging. I love him so much. He has given me two amazing babies.

I will post the birth story when I get home, but I just have to say how special it was to have my sister and best friend experience her labor and delivery with me. I honestly could not ask for anything different. I love you guys and thank you for being there with me!

I will be here until at least Tuesday after 7 PM. Jackie, please don't hesitate to come visit!!

It's just after 6 AM and in a few hours I will be headed to the hospital to be induced! Baby K is coming today!!!

"Loving Two"


I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship.

Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before.
I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me”. And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t”, knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying him—as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times – only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how he adores you — as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you—only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you – you each have your own supply.
I love you—-both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.

—Author Unknown"

I'm still hanging in there! I am almost 39 weeks. I feel great. Being off work has made a world of difference in the amount of pain I have in my back. It's amazing. I kept wondering all throughout this pregnancy what was making it so different that I'd have so much more pain than I did with Ethan. Well now I know...it was working. I am so thankful to be off.

Baby K is doing great. I had an OB appointment today. I am now 2 cm dilated and still 50% effaced. Heart rate was in the 140's. Baby moves a lot, which I love. It's my favorite part of pregnancy.

When Ethan was born, I was so overwhelmed with everything. I never imagined a newborn could be so DIFFICULT! I had a ton of anxiety over him, and probably spent way too much time wishing those baby days away. This time around, I am so excited for a newborn. It's different this time because I know how amazing it will be. I already know how much I will love him or her, and I know how fast it will go by. I am excited to let my heart become head over heels in love with another little human being. I know it'll be hard, but I feel more prepared.

I have been super crabby lately, though. I think most of it is that I am nervous about the labor part. With Ethan's birth, it was so hard and painful, but one of the first things I said after he was born was "that was AMAZING." All along I have been looking forward to experiencing it again, but it doesn't make it any less painful or scary! If I could just KNOW that everything will be okay, I would be able to relax a ton.

I am also stressed out because this time around I have to return to work. With Ethan, I stayed home. Don't get me wrong, I want to return to work because I love my job, but I feel so pressured to get everything down pat within 6 weeks. It doesn't help that Ethan is starting Kindergarten and I have him to worry about, too. It all just feels like too much right now. I know in the end, it'll all work out, because it always does.

In other news...Ethan had his 5 year well visit today and he is doing very well. His height and weight are exactly average. His vision is 20/20 in his right eye and 20/30 in his left, which we knew. He exceeds the milestones he needs to know right now and his doctor was very pleased.

Today he decided to write a story, and all on his own he started sounding out words. It was really clever! For Easter, he spelled it Estr. Things like that. I was pretty impressed. He loves to draw and design things. Today he was designing different castles. He has an amazing imagination. I just love him to pieces.

That's about all for now! More updates will be coming very soon, I am sure :) Stay tuned to facebook for baby updates...my sister will be taking over my account when I have the baby to keep people informed.

My mind is apparently in the gutter.

Ethan: Mama, what's a weiner?
Me: Um, well, some people use that word when they are talking about private parts, just to be silly.
Ethan: Then why do some people say they want ketchup on their weiner?

(I realized my huge misunderstanding, then, and tried to save myself)

Me: Oh! I didn't know what you meant. People sometimes call hot dogs weiners. It's just another name for them that some people use.
Ethan: Next time I have a hot dog, I'm going to say to put ketchup on my winky!

(Winky is the word we use for boy parts)

When this embarrassing scenario comes up, I take full responsibility.

Weird day for me..

I woke up feeling off. Just...strange. Can't really describe it. Baby K was quieter than usual, which concerned me a tad. I decided I'd eat a nice sugary lunch (pancakes!) to get him or her moving. When that didn't work, I got scared. I called Jay and he convinced me to go to labor and delivery, but by the time I got to the parking lot, Baby K was moving beautifully so I just went to straight to my floor since I had to work.

At work, I still felt off. About an hour into my shift, my vision got blurry and I felt really weak. I told my charge nurse and headed to labor and delivery. I had blood work, a urinalysis, they checked my blood sugar, and hooked me up to the monitors. the blood sugar and blood work was fine. They said I may have a UTI, but it's hard to say because being pregnant might be making those labs off.

Meanwhile, I had contractions. I knew I was having them. The resident comes in to tell me everything was okay, but then asked "are you feeling those contractions you are having?" Yes! She called my OB and said that since the contractions aren't regular yet, to go home for now and come back when they are closer together. I am still contracting, but they are 10-15 minutes apart. We'll see!

Meanwhile, the nurse who was taking care of me was talking to me about Ethan and becoming a big brother. She gave me some paperwork they give new siblings so I could read over it. Most of it is for Ethan, but one paper was for Jay and I. She left me to read it and there was one single sentence that got me. Here's what it said, "And if he happens to be the first child, it means losing, forever, the undivided family limelight." That did me in. I sat there sniffling and wiping my eyes. I am so excited for my new baby, but at the exact same time, my heart breaks for Ethan. He has been an "only" for so long, and those days are almost over. A lot of people have the worry that they won't be able to love their new baby as much as they love their first. I can understand this, but I don't think it will be an issue. For me, I am terrifed that Ethan is going to feel left out, and it just breaks my heart.

I noticed the past few days, he is VERY quick to anger with me. He storms off at the tiniest thing. Today I finally said to him gently "Ethan, are you excited for the new baby?" His response? "No." His reason wasn't selfish, though. His reason was that the new baby was going to hurt me when I had him or her. He then said, "Babies are big. It HAS to hurt when it comes out." I lied to him and assured him it wouldn't hurt me. I told him doctors will give me medicine to make sure I would be okay. He didn't buy it. He's scared. Big time. He hates the thought of me being in a hospital. We already have arrangements for him to go to my parents when I am in active labor and he also said "How come I have to go live with Meema and Papa when the baby is coming?" Oh, my heart. He's so confused and I don't know how else to assure him that it will be okay.

So that's what's on my mind BESIDES these contractions. I just hope I handle it okay. Lately he tells me he loves me ALL the time and whenever I leave him, he asks for a hug and a kiss. He never used to do that. I just pray this transition is easy on him. I adore him and I am so protective of him.

And that is what I am most afraid of. Bring on labor. Bring on the delivery. Bring on the sleepless nights and my crazy thyroid issues I apparently get after having a baby. Bring on the anxiety, stress, and baby blues.

But please, God, don't let Ethan feel left out or unloved.

I put this on facebook, but felt it was worthy of going here, too, since this is where I post all my Ethan-isms.

Ethan was in the living room watching cartoons. I was in the basement ordering blinds for the baby's room, and Jay was watching the other TV. Apparently at some point, the cartoons ended and the news started. Ethan comes up to Jay and I and says "I just wanted to let you guys know that there is a big storm headed this way and a man was found dead in Detroit. What's Detroit?

Woops.

I am a judgmental person.

You'll never hear me deny it. I know I am. I always have been. I got the chance to REALLY think about just how judgmental I am this week, though, when I got word of 2 different people gossiping about me, and making incredibly inaccurate assumptions about me.

It made me realize that I am not judgmental about everything. In fact, I think a lot of the times I am really REALLY understanding of people. I put up with a lot. I can think of several instances where people have used me, I knew/know they were/are using me, and I still tolerate it. I rarely confront anyone, regardless of what they do to me, which is why when I finally DO put my foot down, people are shocked.

Here are the VERY FEW things I have zero tolerance for:

1. Bad parents. I am far from being a perfect parent. I will never say otherwise. Jay and I even joke that with baby #2, we're going to get it right this time. But I'm talking parents that just plain suck. Smoke while you are pregnant? Pay no attention to your kids? Say condescending things to them? Just plain lazy when it comes to taking care of them? The list goes on and on. I hate it. I can't be friends or be around people like that. I have tried, and it doesn't work. When you take your "job" of being a parent as seriously as I do, I just don't have any interest in being around people who don't.

2. Freeloaders. Nothing in life is easy. You have to work for it. That's all I'll say about that.

3. People who disrespect my family, especially Ethan. Don't mess with my kid. It takes very little to offend me when it comes to him. This doesn't make me a mean person. It makes me a mom who is fiercely in love with her child. Other people can love your child, but no one loves them like their mom or dad, and I truly believe this. I take my job seriously. I never ever consider my reactions to be overreacting. He will always know that I am on his side regardless. I know life isn't always roses and sunshine, and I know that people are going to hurt him. But if I can do ANYTHING to prevent it, I will without hesitation and zero regret. I'm his mom. It's my job. And I feel this way about my family, too. Don't go there. It'll never turn out good.

So yeah. I thought long and hard about things that I just can't bring myself to overlook, and this was all I had.

I shouldn't care so much about what people think about me, but I do, and it's because I care. I don't want people to think untrue things. It bothers me. I lose sleep over it. But these few things will forever be nonnegotiable with me.

I don't think that makes me a bad person.

Just cause I'm bored.

Ethan has ALWAYS had the temper tantrum down pat. He hates being the center of attention...UNLESS he's mad.

The beginning of the longest plane ride of my entire life. Not only are you not supposed to have your tray table down during take-off, but you CERTAINLY aren't supposed to be standing on them.

Ugh! This little face is the reason I dread him starting Kindergarten. He's my baby! I'm not ready for this at all.

There is no denying he's my son, is there? :)

... on July 20, 2004 at 10:44 AM, a beautiful 5 pound 12 ounce baby boy entered our lives. He came out absolutely perfect. My first words were "he's so tiny!" followed by "look at all his hair!" Jay had tears in his eyes and our excitement was overwhelming. Despite being early, he was perfectly fine. The doctors took some extra precautions with him, which meant he spent all of his hospital time in the special care nursery, he had 24 hours worth of oxygen and IV antibiotics, but overall he was perfect.

Today we celebrated his birthday the entire day. He said it was the best birthday ever, which is what we intended for it it to be. On the way home from his birthday dinner, he was on the phone with his cousin when he said "I'm five today!" At the same time, Jay and I both commented on how weird it was to hear him say that. For me, just the fact that he is already 5 just boggles my mind. For Jay, it was odd to hear him say "I'm five" when it seems like just yesterday we were taking his fingers, holding up two of them, and saying "you are THIS many today!" and hoping that when someone would ask him how old he was, he'd hold up the two fingers on his own.

He has grown so much and every second spent with him is such a blessing. The good and the bad, he has given us so many amazing memories, I can't imagine not having him in my life. I absolutely adore that child. Everything I do, I do for him, and I hope he always knows that.

I love you, Ethan! And yes, even when you are 200 years old and bigger than me, you will STILL be my baby.

Five years ago today, Jay was giving me a kiss good-bye on my very teary cheek. He was getting ready to go to Las Vegas for a long weekend and I was home, quite pregnant, with our first baby. We had long discussions about the trip, and in the end, I urged him to go, but to just be available. Right before he left, I had this overwhelming feeling that he just shouldn't go. I needed him home. I knew I was being silly, because afterall, I was a first time, young mother, and they NEVER go early...

My mom stayed the night with me that night. That morning we met up together at the Wyandotte street fair. We stopped to talk to a family friend... and it happened. My water broke. By late afternoon, I was admitted to the hospital, Jay was frantically trying to get a flight home, and everything was so surreal, exciting, and scary.


....to be continued. :)

32 weeks and still kickin'! And huge. Did I mention that part?

Kind of a cool little fact we found out today.

Our boy name is Evan Jack. Jack is after Jay's Grandpa who passed away. Jay was VERY close with him. His real name was John, but everyone called him Jack.

Anyhow, I wanted to use the name Jack as the first name, but Jay nixed that idea. We tossed around SO many boy names and couldn't settle on any of them. We finally came up with Evan and we both liked it so it stuck.

Today I was looking in one of our baby name books and looked up the name Evan and found out that it is the Welsh form of John. Kinda weird! After finding that out, I think Evan will always be our boy name, even if this baby is a girl. We hope to have one more baby after this one is born.

I promise a "real" post soon. I want to take an updated belly shot, but I look so terrible lately, I just haven't gotten around to it.

Ethan loves my growing belly. He always wants to touch it and look at it. He thinks it's really cool. He frequently will say in a loving voice "Wow, Momma! Your belly is getting so big!" I find it sweet that he even notices.

Well today he came up to me and in the same loving tone says "Wow, Momma! Your butt is getting really big!" He wasn't trying to be silly or mean. So of course, I had to say "I know, baby!" Oh how I love that boy. And his observations.

Right now he is a sick little boy. He woke up fine. He had a GREAT day with me, and then right around 5 o'clock, he got this weird look on his face and looked so worn out. The best way Jay and I can describe it is he looked totally drugged up. We assumed he was just tired. Later we noticed his entire body was very hot. He was acting fine, just sleepy. I tried taking his temperature and it got up to 102 before he wanted me to take it out of his mouth. He got some Motrin and he put himself straight to bed. It's really pitiful and my heart just aches for him because he never ever gets sick.

Tonight Jay volunteered to sleep on the couch so Ethan and I can sleep together and I can keep an eye on him. I am praying the Motrin takes care of it. I hate seeing him like that!

Good-night!

Jay shared this one with me. It happened last night while I was working.

We let Ethan watch some bedtime TV before it's lights out. So Ethan was in his room watching cartoons and Jay was downstairs watching his own shows. He hears Ethan running around upstairs and yells up to him "Ethan! Get back in bed!" The running around stops for about 15 minutes, then he hears it again. This time Jay is mad. He storms up the stairs, turns off the TV and tells Ethan that he is only allowed out of bed if he has to pee.

As Jay is walking away, Ethan says, "what about if I have to poop?" Jay doesn't answer him, because this is typical Ethan. Ethan is one of those kids that just doesn't know when to keep quiet.

So that's last night. This afternoon, Jay picks Ethan up from my sisters house and Ethan said "Daddy? You never answered me yesterday. I asked you what I was supposed to do if I had to poop." Now mind you, Jay is sick with a really bad cold (swine flu?) so he just wasn't in the mood so he says to Ethan "Sorry, I forgot." Ethan's response? "You forgot what? That I had a butt?"

The Downriver cruise is today. Just for fun, Ethan and I drove the route in our car. Here's the conversation that followed:


Ethan: What is going on?

Me: It's called a cruise. People come to sit and watch old cars.

Ethan: That's silly.

Me: I think so, too. Old cars are boring, but it's fun to people-watch.

Ethan: You mean you can sit and watch old people, too?

You really have to be cartoon savvy to get this post, so I'll include pictures to help you out. Here's the latest Ethan-ism.

Me: Ethan, what should we name the baby if it's a boy?

Ethan: Tyler!

Me: How about if it's a girl?

Ethan: Pinky Dinky Doo!

Ethan: And if the baby comes out brown, we can name him Little Bill!

(At this point I had to pick Ethan's daddy up off the floor from laughing so hard)




This is Tyler:

This is Pinky Dinky Doo:

And this would be Little Bill:

So Jay and I were having a conversation between the two of us. Ethan was in the other room, apparently listening in. I used the word "obligated" and this is what happened from there:

Ethan: What did you just say about an alligator?

Me: I didn't say alligator, I said obligated.

(Few seconds pass)

Ethan: What color was the obligator?

It's official. No more lifting. None. I did way too much lifting between yesterday and today and my back HATES me. I only have this issue when I'm pregnant. I am so sore, it's insane. Last night I laid in bed with Ethan (our little routine when I'm off) and I could hardly get up. Once the baby room is cleared out, I have no reason to lift anything else. I'm pretty much done, thankfully.

That being said, I am so excited to start working days! This makes me crazy happy.

That is all.

Ethanism:

Me: I love you more than anything in the whole entire world.

Ethan: I love you more than a big, bigantic pannycake.

(bigantic is Ethan's way of saying gigantic and he has ALWAYS said pannycake instead of pancake)


I had my OB appointment today. All is well. Ethan had to go with me. I always try to schedule it while he's in school, but he didn't have school today and it was too late for me to reschedule. He thinks the whole "going potty in a cup" is the coolest thing EVER. Blood pressure was good. Baby's heart rate was in the 160's. My OB told me I was up 9 pounds and I was cool with that. Not bad, eh? I mean, I'm 23 weeks! But then I learned that's what I gained in a MONTH and it wasn't so cool. Overall, I'm only at 14 pounds total, so I am doing a TON better then I did with Ethan's pregnancy. I am still getting the thumb's up to travel next month, so that's cool. I have an appointment the week before we leave, so I am glad about that. I go back in 4 weeks.

We are FINALLY moving on the baby room! It's really exciting and I now realize why I procrastinated for so long. It was a TON of work! We have a beautiful nursery set. It was all bought brand new when I found out I was pregnant. The crib is being stored at my parents house, but Ethan has been using the dresser/changing table in his room all this time. To transfer all the stuff of his that was stored in the dresser (it's HUGE) to other places was extremely difficult. We have a ton of stuff and nowhere to put it. Then rearranging his room so everything would fit and not look like a storage unit was also very tricky. Oh! And the fact that the spot where his bed used to be was right next to a window. Between a 4 year old destructive boy and two crazy dogs, the mini-blinds on that window were fondly referred to as the "ghetto blinds" by Jay and I. For one, they were chronically crooked, because again, two dogs and a boy could not leave them alone. The boy and one of the dogs selectively chose certain pieces of the blind to remove, so there were gaps and holes in them. The dogs loved this, because it gave them little windows to look out of when the blinds were closed. It was hideous. I found an amazing deal on blinds yesterday at Bed Bath and Beyond and I am SO happy with them! The new rule? Ethan must never touch them. Ever. If he wants them up, he has to ask. Let's see how long this lasts.

I quickly found by the end of all that work yesterday that I absolutely positively overdid it. My sciatic nerve pain was so bad, I could hardly move. It was BAD. Thankfully I woke up today feeling okay. I forgot how much that hurt.

Pics to come later as we progress more. I can already tell that the baby room is going to be adorable.

I am definitely in the "honeymoon" phase of my pregnancy. The ONLY complaint I have is towards the end of the day, the sides of my abdomen feel like they are stretching to the max. I'll take it. Considering I had roughly 16 solid weeks of nonstop nausea (I have nightmares about that! It was horrendous) and the fatigue. Anything is better than that. I haven't even really been having back aches like I was, or sciatic nerve pain. I am not a fool to realize that it will come back, but I am REALLY enjoying it while it all stays away!

I had a decent night at work tonight. I left feeling so thankful for all my coworkers. The people I work with on afternoons make things so much easier. We all help each other out a ton. Tonight as a big group of us were walking out of the building to our cars, we realized that we are always the only group that walks out talking loudly and laughing. We just get along really awesome.

I realized today that yesterday was the one year anniversary since I graduated. That year FLEW and I can't believe how long I have actually been working at the hospital already. It's crazy! My shift alone, the time just flies.

Ethan has 12 days of school left, and yes, he is counting down. He is doing so well. Conferences are next week and I am really excited. He has his Kindergarten testing this week at some point. His teacher gave us a list of what he will be tested on. I went through it once with him and never did again because he already knows it. The only thing he doesn't know is how to spell his middle name, but I don't think they are actually going to ask that. He's so smart and we are so proud of him.

Some Ethan-isms. I know a lot of these are only really cute/funny if you hear him say them. I just like "writing" them down for my own reference because otherwise I'd forget.

Ethan: Wow, see all those flowers out there? (Pointing to a large field of wild flowers)

Me: Yes, they are beautiful, aren't they?

Ethan: Yup. Wanna know what else is beautiful?

Me: What?

Ethan: You are, Momma.

Me: Oh thank you, Ethan! It makes my heart very happy to hear you say that.

Ethan: I like to make your heart happy. Daddy makes my heart silly because he always makes me laugh.

(We talk about our heart a lot with Ethan. I use it a lot when he is acting up. I'll tell him that I don't like the way he is acting, and it makes me sad because he has such a good heart.)

Ethan: Momma? See the clouds? That's where the Lord is.

Me: You're right!

Ethan: He sits in a beautiful chair up there.

Me: Wow, Ethan, where did you learn this?

Ethan: The Simpsons.

Well! I'm glad we clarified that before he was asked to demonstrate in school!

A few days ago, Ethan and I were talking about fire. I don't remember how it came up, but I casually mentioned to him the "stop, drop, and roll" technique. He listened, nodded, and we changed the subject.

Just tonight he was playing around, being silly, and pretending like he was on fire. So I used it as an opportunity to show me what you do if you really ARE on fire. He forgot, so I reminded him "stop, drop, and roll".

He stopped in his tracks, promptly DROPPED...his pants...and rolled.

I love names with meaning. When we picked Ethan's name, his first name was just because we liked it, but his middle name is the same as his daddy's, my dad's, and Jay's dad.

With this baby, the names we have picked out are Evan Jack for a boy and Allison Jaye for a girl. For Evan, it's pretty much the only boy name we both agreed on. Jack would be after Jay's grandpa who passed away several years ago from a brain tumor. It was one of the saddest losses in both of our lives. He was an amazing man, and we both know he would have adored Ethan. I can totally see him wanting to spend time with Ethan, and sharing Ethan's love for building things and using tools.

Allison Jaye has special meaning, too. Jaye is a given. There is a woman at my church that I met through volunteering in the two year old room. Her name is Jaye. I have never heard that name on a female before. When I mentioned using it as a middle name if we have a girl, Jay was hooked. Allison is a name I fell in love with about 4 years ago. It's obvious from other posts that I get really wrapped up in other childrens blogs. I check them daily. My first "baby" was a child named Allie. I was hooked on this child. I cried when she died. I did Light the Night for a few years in her honor and memory. Here's her story. I don't think I'll ever forget her.

http://www.scotthousehold.com/ Click on the side where it says Allie's Story and you can read the entire blog. Her journey is amazing and heartbreaking, all in one. I still somehow come across other children, usually just by accident, and while I get attached to them, too, I don't think I'll ever get as "close" to another story as I did hers.

Thank goodness I am off tomorrow! I had a patient today who had an echocardiogram done. A large clot was found IN her heart. This lady was a heart attack just waiting to happen. I got ahold of the doctor and got her transferred to the unit. The cardiologist comes up and says "Why did you transfer her? She has been stable all this time and so far nothing has happened." Say whaaaaaaat?? I'm just so thankful that she IS okay.

Ethan got to feel Baby K kick today and he thought it was super cool. He asked me today if the baby will know how to play Mario Kart. I told him not right away. He said he'd teach the baby, cause it's not that hard. I have a feeling someone is going to be a tad disappointed when the baby is born. I won't name any names :)

Good night!

I really should be worried about this swine flu. I know I should. Buuuuuut...I'm not. In fact, almost everyone I work with isn't worried, either. Maybe that's what happens when you are faced every day of the week with crazy contagious illnesses. We "joke" how we technically should all be in isolation, because we are CERTAIN we all have MRSA. Do you know how many people have MRSA and they don't even know it? MRSA is scary! It can be deadly! I'm pregnant, for pete's sake, and I have been exposed to illnesses and treatments that I should never be around. It's never intentional, but that's what happens when you work on a cancer floor. Or just plain in a hospital! Chemo, radiation, shingles, c. diff., scabies, MRSA, pneumonia, you name it. It just doesn't scare me. The only time I get a bit concerned is thinking of Ethan getting sick. But then when you think of it, I get worried when I take him to the doctor, I get worried thinking about him going to Kindergarten, I get worried thinking about him not eating at school next year when he goes all day. It's in my mommy blood to worry about that child, so I don't think it's all that unusual.

We have had some people show concern about our trip to Mexico. As of right now, we aren't cancelling. We're not crazy, we're just not falling for the hype. I'm not saying we will for SURE be going. Things can change and we are watching the news and other sources of media. The place we are going is an all-inclusive resort. We will not (and never planned on) leaving the resort. And think about it...when we're there, we'll be surrounded by Americans! I think we're playing it smart right now. I will talk to my OB about it. She's already aware because I mentioned it to her from the get-go. I will also meet with Ethan's pediatrician sometime in May to talk to her. If they advise us not to go, we likely won't. Jay and I are already thinking up back-up plans, though, so regardless, our vacation plans will not be ruined.

In other news...last night at work was good. Until my patient accused me of stealing her pen. I let her borrow my pen so she could fill out some paperwork. It's a REALLY good pen I just bought it a few weeks ago. When I went to get it back, she said "Hmm..no..I think this is mine. Remember when you borrowed it from me?" I gently slid it from her fingers and said "I am certain this pen is mine, but if you'd like, I can find another pen for you to use." The quote of the night last night was when a few nurses were standing around a chart, trying to figure out what a doctor wrote. It was some word amongst a bunch of labs: CBC, BUN, creat, Mg, Phos, SOMETHING, lytes in AM. We asked a doctor who happened to be on the floor what he thought it said and his suggestion was "whore". When we looked closer, it DID look like whore! We were joking about the lab results: WBC 11.0, BUN 6, Creat. 2.0, whore +. You had to be there. I think it's a requirement to write terrible if you are a doctor. It's bad.

Ethan is doing wonderful at school. His preschool graduation is approaching and I am so excited. He only has about 13 days left of preschool because they have some days off. He's happy about this. He loves to be home. I just can't believe that when preschool ends, he will be a Kindergartener! Where does the time go??

I'm off to make Ethan some chicken nuggets and get ready for another night at work.

She needs prayers in a BIG way. I was shocked to read the latest last night and I can't even begin to imagine how her parents feel right now.

http://kayleighannefreeman.blogspot.com/

Baby K gave me quite a scare last night. Enough to keep me up until 4 AM, which means I am running on less than 4 hours of sleep today, but I feel okay.

It was the end of my shift last night when it crossed my mind that I hadn't felt any movement my entire shift. I ALWAYS feel it when I get home and finally sit down, so I figured I'd just pay more attention then. I came home and ate some sugary stuff (brownie and milk) and nothing. Not even a TINY bit. So I laid on my side. Nothing. I am only 21 weeks, but I always always always feel movement when I am still. It was making me SO nervous. I stole one of Ethan's juice boxes, drank that, and kind of poked around at his/her favorite kicking spot and finally! S/he's been kicking ever since! Don't DO that to me!

Work last night was blissful, and I am not being sarcastic. It has seriously been so chaotic and busy, we've had nurses in tears. It was making me despise my job, and on days I had to work, I'd be in the worst mood. Last night, however, we had EXTRA staff and my group was awesome. I had a night last week where at the end of my shift it occurred to me that I didn't know anything about my patients other than their diagnosis and medications. I didn't get to spend any time with them because I was just too busy. That's when you get the family member who asks you a question and you have no idea and they think you are an idiot, when actually you are just so swamped with stuff to do and you have to prioritize and their questions get bumped to the back of your mind.

I only had 5 patients last night. One of them was an elderly guy who was so adorable, I couldn't get enough of him. He was pleasantly confused and just made me so happy to be around him. He "helped" me out by dumping out a big cup of water, a big cup of pop, and his potassium drink. He told me it needed to "go in the sewer". Instead he dumped it in his lap and on the floor. He was so happy to be "helping" me. Then later he INSISTED on calling his family. When I have a confused patient who wants to call family at 10 o'clock at night, I usually try to distract them so they won't. He insisted. He gets on the phone with his son and says "do you see the STORM? It's awful out there! It's pitch black and I can't even see out my window!" ...remember it's 10 o'clock at night? CUTE!

I had a hospice patient that had no family with her. I spent a TON of time with her. She was so thin and bony and had a ton of wounds. I decided I'd get to work and change all of her dressings. Wounds are not my thing. Not even a little bit. I am good at removing myself from what I am doing, though, and just doing it. Her heels were a mess. It was so bad, the skin was completely black and dead. Doing dressing changes on wounds like that are pointless, but necessary. I knew she had some on her lower back but when I took the dressing off, I was TOTALLY unprepared for what I saw. She had a bed sore on her back that was so huge, I could have put my entire hand IN it. It was gruesome. It took two nurses to fix it up. We got her all clean. Clean wounds, clean dressings, and clean bedding. She looked so much more comfortable after that. Once I was done, I soaked a mouth sponge in water and gave it to her. She really liked that. I hope she is comfortable today.

All in all, it was a good night and it made me remember why I wanted to be a nurse in the first place. I just wish nights like last night weren't so few and far between.

Gotta go get Ethan and then we're running some errands. He'll be absolutely thrilled.

Belly pictures to come later. I took some today. We have definitely decided on our names and we are both happy. A girl will be Allison Jaye and a boy will be Evan Jack. We have a thing for vowels apparently. It wasn't intentional.

(Jackie! E-mail me your work schedule... I wanna do lunch with you!)

Another baby I have been following:

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/

I had my ultrasound today! It was amazing, as I knew it would be. My mom, sister, and Ethan went with me. Jay couldn't go. He has to save his days off for Mexico and when the baby is born. His job doesn't allow him to just go in late. Either he goes in on time, or he doesn't go at all. Also, he was so afraid the sex of the baby would be super obvious, and he absolutely does not want to know.

It was awesome! We saw the baby's head and belly. The tiny little feet, although the picture of the foot looks huge! We also saw the hands, heart, brain, and umbilical cord. To ME everything looked great, but my doctor won't get the official report until later in the week. I could watch the ultrasound all day long if I were able. At one point the tech had both feet on the screen and they were just kicking all around. We also saw the baby's hands up by the face a lot. It's so amazing to me, and it makes me REALLY excited for September! Tonight I am going SHOPPING!! :)

I can say with 100% certainty that I don't care whether this baby is a boy or a girl, as long as it's healthy.

Before Ethan, I thought I HAD to have a girl. I didn't know anything about boys and it scared me. But then I had a boy, and it made me realize that boys are so much fun.

So this time around, I have a strong feeling it's a girl, just because my pregnancy is so different. So in my mind, I think girl, girl, girl. But then I think of all the baby clothes of Ethan's I have saved, and I would LOVE to use them again. I had such cute clothes for him. And again, two boys would be fun! So yeah. It really doesn't matter. There are perks both ways.

So today I picked Ethan up from preschool. It was his last day before spring break started. He comes out with this little Easter basket made out of a paper plate and designed to look like a bunny. I was carrying it for him and he was happily hopping along next to me when I noticed it only had one ear. I said to him "Uh oh Ethan! We lost one of his ears!" His response? "No! I only wanted one ear. And did you see his eyes are red? He's a MUTANT BUNNY! RARRR!"

...okay, I'll take a girl next time.

So tonight at work, as soon as I got on the floor, I had a family member of a patient call me into the room. I hadn't even gotten report yet, but that's no big deal. I don't mind helping out. The family member told me the patient needed to use the restroom. I asked the family member if the patient was steady on her feet, so I would know if I could get her to the bathroom on my own or if a bedpan was a better idea. Wanna know what she said to me?? "OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO INCOMPETENT! I NEED THE HEAD NURSE TO REPORT THIS." Wanna know an excellent way to make someone so angry even MORE mad?? If you smile sweetly at them, kind of cock your head as if to silently say "are you KIDDING me??" Oooooh she hated that. So I turn to the patient and tell her that for now, I was going to leave her in bed, because she had a foley in place (catheter) and that it automatically empties her bladder. Wanna know what my little cupcake of a family member thought of that? "DO YOU HONESTLY THINK SHE KNOWS WHAT A FOLEY IS?? WHY DO YOU HAVE TO CALL IT THAT?" What do you WANT me to call it?? Bladder tube? Urine drain-er? At this point, I had TOTALLY tuned out this ballistic piece of work, just in time to hear the patient say "She's crazy."

I always treat my patients like I'd want my family members treated. Always. In my short history of nursing, I can count on one hand the number of patients that have touched me deeper than others. One was a patient I had in nursing school who was deteriorating (he died a few weeks after I had him) and was very confused. I was holding his hand and he told me he loved me. I got to go with him to a test to see how well he swallowed and he couldn't do it. He was so weak and confused, he was unable to sit upright in the chair. I remember watching him struggle and just feeling so sorry for him. When I got word that he passed, I cried for him, just remembering how worn out he was.

I had a couple other patients that just died too young, for circumstances that could have been avoided. Another patient was a man who was so lonely. He had no family or friends. He was dying of liver failure from alcohol. He was miserable and sad. When your liver is failing, your skin gets really dry and itchy. Every spare minute I had, I'd go in his room with a dry towel and scratch his back for him. One of the last days I had him, he found out he had about 6 months left to live. He wanted to go back home and be with his dog. Before I left my shift, he told me I was the only person that seemed to understand him. No one else was there for him. He wanted to die alone. I'm sure he did.

My most recent one was just this week. Frequently when an elderly patient comes in with mental status changes, it's likely due to an infection. We give them IV antibiotics and they are good to go. My first day having this patient, I was praying that's all it was. I was wrong. He's full of cancer. He's so confused and his wife is devastated to see him in this condition. For some reason, I just felt so drawn to him. I was very protective of him. His pain was excruciating. When I'd ask him a question, the only one he could answer right was his name. This was the first day I had him. By day 3, he was having trouble remembering even that. One of the last things he said to me last night before I left my shift was that he was done with all of this. He didn't want treatment, he had had enough. He wanted me to call his wife and tell her. I didn't. I couldn't.

Lately I have been wondering if nursing is the right thing for me. The stress is so high, and the responsibility sometimes weighs on my shoulders like you wouldn't believe. I have the tendency to take whatever the doctor tells me and just do it. I don't question doctors, just like in my own personal life. I trust them. Occasionally though, as a nurse, I am expected to make my own judgement call regarding a patients care. If I follow through with a doctors decision when I know from my own scope of practice that it could potentially be unsafe, it's my responsibility to make the right decision. I hate that and I don't handle that well at all. But then I have my few really special patients, regardless of how sad their situation is, and it makes me want to keep going, because they have such a huge impact on my life. They make it all worthwhile.

I had one patient teach me how to kill myself with a knife without making a big mess (not even kidding, and neither was he) and another who was seriously upset that I write on my hand often at work. Don't you know that the ink is soaking into my skin and filling my body with toxins???

I love my job.

Jay goes back to work on Monday and I have to say, I will miss him. I was spoiled ROTTEN these past 5 weeks. I slept in nearly every day, he'd make me a dinner before I had to go to work, and he got a TON done around the house. He's a good guy. He is always doing stuff for me, but even more so when I am pregnant. It's sweet. Here are are some typical Jay-isms from the past couple days:

Me: I get so dizzy when I am standing for long periods of time. It's such a bad pregnancy symptom
Jay: Nah, it's just cause your body isn't used to being vertical for so long

Me: I wish Ethan would eat breakfast, but then again, I never eat breakfast, either
Jay: Yes you do. It's just considered lunch for most people.


I definitely feel the baby move now. It's an amazing feeling. It's like a swirling sensation. I don't feel any pokes or jabs (yet!) but I know he or she is just rolling all around.

Since my job is so fast-paced and busy, I sometimes have a hard time when I'm there. I get short of breath really easy (something about progesterone does that???) and I'll get lightheaded. I also frequently just feel sore and achy. I think I adapt to it fine, and if I start to feel bad, I just slow down for a little while until I feel okay again. I always feel so much better knowing that all my crazy movements at work are likely lulling my baby to sleep and at night when I'm in bed, I love knowing that the sound of my heartbeat is something my baby finds comfort in.

Last night when I got home from work, I went to check on Ethan and he woke up and asked me to lay with him. He never opened his eyes but he told me he missed me when I was at work. I rubbed his legs and snuggled real close to him. I studied his perfect little profile and realized that there really will be another little human being that I will be head over heels in love with like I am with Ethan and it really amazes me. I always tell myself that I could never love anyone like I love Ethan, but I do!

At this rate, this baby will be nameless. We don't really have any boy names that we both LOVE, although we do both kind of like Adam. We want the middle name to be Jack, after Jay's Grandpa, and I don't think Adam Jack flows real well. Jay has always loved the name Abby for a girl, and I have loved the name Allison. I have no strong feelings towards Abby, and Jay has no strong feelings towards Allison, so I think both those names are out. I mentioned using the middle name Jaye for a girl, obviously after her daddy, and Jay just melted at that idea. He loves it. We both like the name Lindsey, but I don't like how Lindsey Jaye sounds. I can think of lots of sweet nicknames for Lindsey, which is why I like it. I think it goes well with Ethan, too.

I don't know!!! I don't think we'll have a decision until this baby is born, to be honest. We had a really hard time with Ethan's name and since we KNEW he was a boy, by referring to him as Ethan instead of "the baby" when I was pregnant, it helped the name grow on us a ton. This time around, we won't be able to do it. I'm open to suggestions! I don't like anything too trendy and "out there". No weird spellings or anything like that.

I had my 15 week appointment this week and it was SO disappointing. I had some questions for her and she was so rushy. Normally she'll ask me some questions, then I'll ask her some questions, and then she'll find the heartbeat. This time she came in, said my urine and blood pressure was good, and asked me to lay down! She did question my lack of weight gain so far (2 pounds) but when I assured her that I am definitely eating, she was cool with it. I was supposed to get the penta screen done, but they couldn't get a good vein on me (typical). I ended up calling the day after my appointment and asking if I could get a prescription to have it done at the hospital I work at. I'm surprised she was oaky with that. So I had that done and I should have those results back next week. I also was thinking I may be anemic so she did a CBC. Everything was normal except my hematocrit was low. I think in pregnancy, low hematocrit is normal (it was just a little bit low).My nausea is GONE, thank God! I still gag when I brush my teeth and certain smells bother me, but for the most part, I feel fine. I am still tired a lot and sometimes it feels like my muscles are just exhausted (one of the things that made me think anemia). I also have been getting short of breath really easy, but after playing around on the internet, I learned that it's likely due to progesterone and it's totally normal and safe to me and the baby.

Something that kind of concerns me is that when I am at work, towards the end of my shift, my abdomen HURTS. It doesn't SEEM like contraction pain (it's constant), but I don't know what it is. And I really only notice it at work. My husband is insisting I stop lifting both Ethan and patients (which I have been lately) so hopefully it's just ligament stretching. I WILL mention it at my next appt. regardless of how much of a hurry she is in.

Next appointment is April 13, along with my ultrasound. Yay!

Pshh librarians ruin all the fun!

So with the passing of Jay's Grandma, Ethan has been full of questions.

Ethan: Momma? Why did Granny have to die?

Me: Because she was really old, her body was tired.

Ethan: Is she still in her bed?

Me: She's in Heaven

Ethan: Where is Heaven?

Me: It's wayyyyyyyyy high up in the sky. Past the clouds.

Ethan: If she walks around in Heaven, won't she fall through the clouds? There are spaces between the clouds. She could fall through them.

Me: Heaven is past the clouds. She is very safe there.

Ethan: Did she want to go there?

Me: Of course, everyone wants to go to Heaven.

Ethan: So when is she coming back? Is she back now?

Me: No, she's not coming back. When you go to Heaven, you stay in Heaven.

Ethan: But what if she wants to come back?

Me: She doesn't want to come back. She is very happy in Heaven. Everyone is happy in Heaven. And she can still see you and everyone else she loves. She just does it differently now.

Ethan: How are we going to see her tomorrow, then?

Me: We are just going to see her body. She won't be doing anything. She won't move, she won't be breathing like you and me, and she won't talk. We will just walk up to see her one more time and say good-bye.

Ethan: Buuuuuuut isn't she supposed to be in Heaven?

Me: When you die, your body doesn't go to Heaven. Just your heart. The parts of you that make you special. You know how I always tell you that you have a good heart even when you act up? The special part of Granny went to Heaven. She doesn't need her body any more because God gave her a new one.

Ethan: Is she an angel?

Me: Maybe. I don't really know. No one knows until you go there. But me and you won't be going there for a loooooooooooong time.


Ethan: Can you scratch my back? It's really itchy.

Four has been the best age so far. Okay, more specifically, 4 1/2. Ethan has us laughing all day long. We both just have so much fun with him! He's doing wonderful in school, he has lots of friends, and his imagination is out of this world. He loves making up new games. He still has his moments, like when he'll say "I am never ever never gonna look at anything ever again!" Uh, okay!

Just thought I'd let you know :)

13 week belly!!

Big updates!

The wonderful part of working with the elderly:


Me: Hello, sir! Are you having any pain right now?

Old man: Tomato soup! It was delicious!

Me: No, I am asking if you are having any pain. Do you hurt anywhere?

Old man: Sure I'll have some more!

(Shoot...now I have to find some tomato soup!)


I have been slacking terribly on posting. I know this. I never did this with my livejournal. I was a faithful poster, at LEAST weekly! Sorry, blog, I guess I'm just not used to you, yet.

I have found a deeply hidden love for Facebook. I am weening myself off my myspace account. There are some important people that aren't facebook-ers yet, so I can't delete it, but I won't be updating myspace anymore.

Ethan is wonderful. We had MAJOR miscommunication at school lately, but it's all settled now and everyone is very happy. We had teacher A giving me terrible reports on Ethan's behavior every. single. day. I was getting SO MAD at him, it was awful. I didn't know what to do! Then I e-mailed teacher B, who is also the lead teacher, and explained my concerns and I was told that his behavior is nothing out of the ordinary for a normal 4 year old child. Nothing he does is any different than any of the other children. They ALL have their moments, and she said he is doing just fine with correcting himself and moving on like nothing happened. I was really sad about the situation. Luckily, it's solved, and he has been doing so good.

Jay is on a 5 week layoff and I swear, if we could afford it, he'd be a stay at home dad in a heartbeat. He WANTS to stay home. He's GOOD at it. Last week was his first week off and after his FIRST time of taking Ethan to school, he had arranged a playdate with Ethan's best friend. Seriously. I've been taking Ethan to school for months, and I never did this. Jay does it once, and it's all set. We had dinner at home every night, including homemade lasagna, with homemade NOODLES. Say what? Yes! Unfortunately, my pregnant self is not allowed to eat anything with red sauce (I had this issue when pregnant with Ethan, too) so I didn't get to enjoy it.

Speaking of being pregnant. This nausea has GOT to go. I rarely actually throw up. Instead I walk around like a cat with a hairball, just randomly dry heaving every so often. It's disgusting. And it's getting old. I still haven't gained any weight, but my belly is certainly bigger! A few weeks ago I couldn't wear my regular jeans. Now I can. Strange. I take belly pictures every few weeks, though, and there are definite changes.

Work has been crazy. We had a code grey the other night. It's a terribly long story so I'll just sum it up. Picture a 350 pound guy. Naked. Angry. Throwing things. And me, trapped in the room with him and his angry, naked self. A code grey was called, all the male staff of the hospital come strutting their stuff (I swear, they love code greys) and get him in bed and put leather restraints on him. We didn't learn this part in nursing school.

We had a great day today. I love days like today, and I wish every day could be like it. First it started off with everyone sleeping in until 9. Then our bed was filled with 4 year old boy and two crazy dogs, all just loving on each other. Jay made homemade (there he goes again!) buttermilk pancakes (again, my uterus said NO to that) and we all played some Wii. Jay ran out to the bank and to get my oil changed while Ethan and I got dressed. Then we ran some errands, which included getting Jay his ankle brace, picking up my "flower of the month" from Ray Hunter, and stopping at Petsmart, where laughed until we had tears in our eyes when we found a dead fish on clearance. Jay said that he was going to take it up to the cashier and buy it and see if she noticed. You had to be there, I guess. Then we went to Texas Roadhouse, which is becoming ALL of our favorite restaurant. Came home, and have been lazy ever since. Perfect!

That's all for now.

Ethan: I want to grow up to be a man, just like my dad. He's such a good garbage man. I'm going to be a garbage man just like my dad when I get big.

(FYI Jay does construction)

I've seen a ton since I began working at the hospital last year. More than I ever saw in clinicals. Things like a 26 year old who went into a diabetic coma and died. When we turned her over, we saw she had angel wings tattooed on her back. We all gasped when we saw that. Ironic. Or the man who was just about to be discharged home, and went from sitting in a chair, totally with it, to dead, all within about 10 minutes.

Last night was the worst. Like as in, your worst nightmare kind of bad. I don't really want to get into specifics, but I'll say that someone way too young is dying right now, and the baby she is carrying is still with her. Being pregnant myself, if I started to think about it too much, I lost all focus. Why does this happen?

In other news, I really just wish I could pack up my little family of 3 and go away somewhere for a little while. I think it would do us all a world of good to get our minds off the "real world".

So at work we have the alcohol protocol for those who are detoxing, we have a hospice protocol for those recieving comfort measures...how about we start an obnoxious patient protocol? Good idea, no? The first part of it would be right off the bat, you become a DNR because when I give you the amount of narcotics you want, you will likely DIE, and I'm not going to waste my time doing chest compressions on you when I TOLD you you can't have that many. Oh, and you also lose your call light. Sorry, but that dinging gives me a headache and since I know I don't need morphine or dilaudid for every ache and pain, I will have to suffer through the pain. Other than that, though, all the safety measures that normally apply to those recieving narcotics will not apply to you! Yay!

In other news... Jay and I are not finding out the sex of this baby and I am already tortured by not knowing.

So my IV skills went down the drain roughly 3 or so months ago. Seriously, I couldn't start one if my life depended on it.

So today I get a direct admit. Meaning the person didn't come in through the ER. They went in to see their primary doctor and the doctor sent them straight to the hospital, past the ER, and into one of my rooms. I hate directs. You basically have to start from scratch. And tonight was CRAZY and I just didn't have time for all the work involved.

That's another story...back to the IV. So he needed one. I had already decided I was going to ask this other nurse I work with who I always say is so good at starting IVs, she could do it with her eyes closed. Unfortunately, she was super busy, too. So I decide I'll try. I gather my supplies and I get myself settled next to his bed. As soon as I start to look, he tells me he only has ONE good vein. One. So he points it out but warns "it rolls a lot". Sure enough, I kid you not, as soon as I put my finger on this teeny tiny vein, it rolled straight into his other arm. I'm not even being dramatic. I decided I better at least TRY, even if it meant blowing his only decent vein. As I am preparing myself to start, he tells me he has been a paramedic for 30 years and the last time he was in the hospital, the nurse couldn't start an IV so she left to find someone else to try and while she was gone, he started his OWN IV. I looked at him and my eyes were gigantic as he tells me this. I can feel beads of sweat on my brow. Seriously? Why did I pick HIM to try? Why didn't I pick my super confused little old guy down the hall? Well now I HAD to try. I'd look like a big chicken (and I am) if I left then.

So to make an already long, dramatic story short...I was able to start the IV and I walked on cloud 9 the rest of the night.

The end.

Two days in a row and the nausea was minimal! Woo! I am still battling the fatigue, but I will take that ANY day over the nausea.

I am at a terribly awkward stage in my pregnancy. I don't really look pregnant, but none of my pants fit comfortably. I despise maternity jeans. Seriously. Do they make ANY with back pockets? Because I'm sure I don't speak for myself when I say that a lack of back pockets will make even the tiniest butt look big. And when you don't have a tiny butt AND your pregnant, well, that's just scary.

Jay and Ethan went up north this weekend which was nice for me because I got to do lots of relaxing. Friday night I worked, but then Saturday I laid around all day and watched America's Next Top Model marathon. Then I had dinner with my parents and went to church. Ideal day. Today my boys are home and we are just relaxing. We had my Grandma's 80th birthday party which was nice, and then we went for a walk with both dogs and Ethan rode his bike.

Did I ever mention the two dog thing? No? Well yeah..we have two dogs now. We. are. insane. Seriously. I have no idea what we were thinking. Did I mention our original dog hates other dogs and we KNEW this going in? No? Well, yeah to that, too. Lucy is getting better, but those first few weeks were rough and I spent a lot of time yelling and crying. We even started the process of giving him up, but when we learned that by contract, we would have to surrender him back to the adoption place AND pay a fee, we decided to try to work this out. He is the sweetest little dog in the world. Almost TOO sweet. Ethan named him Logan. So we have Lucy and Logan. He's a 17 pound beagle and he has the same colors as Lucy. They look really cute together. Honestly, it's getting a lot better and he brings out a really playful side to Lucy. I still wonder on a daily basis what I was thinking, though. I'll have to get some pictures up.

I had my ultrasound last week. The tech was less than exciting. She basically measured the baby blob and was done. I had to ask to see/hear the heartbeat, and that was the only way I got to see my baby for more than 2 seconds. Ethan was there, and I thought she'd be a little bit more patient with his questions. I'm a little concerned because my baby looks awfully pointy and lumpy, but I spoke with my OB and she assured me that the baby looks perfectly normal and that everything will "smooth out" within the next few weeks. I do have a picture from the ultrasound, so I can post that now.

I have a STRONG feeling that this baby is a girl. I have ever since I found out I was pregnant and even on the ultrasound, it looked like a feminine blob. I think I am feeling that way, though, just because this pregnancy is the EXACT opposite of what my pregnancy was like with Ethan, and I know that does not mean anything as far as gender goes. I can say with 100% certainty that I will be thrilled no matter what with whatever gender this babe is. I never thought I could be a mommy to a boy, until I had a boy and I found out just how amazing they can be. We'll see! Jay doesn't want to find out the sex and I do, so I'm not sure what we'll end up doing. '

Okay that's all for now.