Monday, August 31, 2009

Allison Jaye Kowalski made her grand appearance at 6:49 PM. She was 8 pounds, 3 ounces and 19 inches long. She is GORGEOUS and we are just so crazy about her!

Jay is just over the moon. He adores her. He was incredible during the delivery. He was so encouraging. I love him so much. He has given me two amazing babies.

I will post the birth story when I get home, but I just have to say how special it was to have my sister and best friend experience her labor and delivery with me. I honestly could not ask for anything different. I love you guys and thank you for being there with me!

I will be here until at least Tuesday after 7 PM. Jackie, please don't hesitate to come visit!!
It's just after 6 AM and in a few hours I will be headed to the hospital to be induced! Baby K is coming today!!!

Saturday, August 29, 2009

"Loving Two"

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship.

Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before.
I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me”. And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t”, knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying him—as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times – only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how he adores you — as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you—only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you – you each have your own supply.
I love you—-both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.

—Author Unknown"

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I'm still hanging in there! I am almost 39 weeks. I feel great. Being off work has made a world of difference in the amount of pain I have in my back. It's amazing. I kept wondering all throughout this pregnancy what was making it so different that I'd have so much more pain than I did with Ethan. Well now I was working. I am so thankful to be off.

Baby K is doing great. I had an OB appointment today. I am now 2 cm dilated and still 50% effaced. Heart rate was in the 140's. Baby moves a lot, which I love. It's my favorite part of pregnancy.

When Ethan was born, I was so overwhelmed with everything. I never imagined a newborn could be so DIFFICULT! I had a ton of anxiety over him, and probably spent way too much time wishing those baby days away. This time around, I am so excited for a newborn. It's different this time because I know how amazing it will be. I already know how much I will love him or her, and I know how fast it will go by. I am excited to let my heart become head over heels in love with another little human being. I know it'll be hard, but I feel more prepared.

I have been super crabby lately, though. I think most of it is that I am nervous about the labor part. With Ethan's birth, it was so hard and painful, but one of the first things I said after he was born was "that was AMAZING." All along I have been looking forward to experiencing it again, but it doesn't make it any less painful or scary! If I could just KNOW that everything will be okay, I would be able to relax a ton.

I am also stressed out because this time around I have to return to work. With Ethan, I stayed home. Don't get me wrong, I want to return to work because I love my job, but I feel so pressured to get everything down pat within 6 weeks. It doesn't help that Ethan is starting Kindergarten and I have him to worry about, too. It all just feels like too much right now. I know in the end, it'll all work out, because it always does.

In other news...Ethan had his 5 year well visit today and he is doing very well. His height and weight are exactly average. His vision is 20/20 in his right eye and 20/30 in his left, which we knew. He exceeds the milestones he needs to know right now and his doctor was very pleased.

Today he decided to write a story, and all on his own he started sounding out words. It was really clever! For Easter, he spelled it Estr. Things like that. I was pretty impressed. He loves to draw and design things. Today he was designing different castles. He has an amazing imagination. I just love him to pieces.

That's about all for now! More updates will be coming very soon, I am sure :) Stay tuned to facebook for baby sister will be taking over my account when I have the baby to keep people informed.

Friday, August 14, 2009

My mind is apparently in the gutter.

Ethan: Mama, what's a weiner?
Me: Um, well, some people use that word when they are talking about private parts, just to be silly.
Ethan: Then why do some people say they want ketchup on their weiner?

(I realized my huge misunderstanding, then, and tried to save myself)

Me: Oh! I didn't know what you meant. People sometimes call hot dogs weiners. It's just another name for them that some people use.
Ethan: Next time I have a hot dog, I'm going to say to put ketchup on my winky!

(Winky is the word we use for boy parts)

When this embarrassing scenario comes up, I take full responsibility.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Weird day for me..

I woke up feeling off. Just...strange. Can't really describe it. Baby K was quieter than usual, which concerned me a tad. I decided I'd eat a nice sugary lunch (pancakes!) to get him or her moving. When that didn't work, I got scared. I called Jay and he convinced me to go to labor and delivery, but by the time I got to the parking lot, Baby K was moving beautifully so I just went to straight to my floor since I had to work.

At work, I still felt off. About an hour into my shift, my vision got blurry and I felt really weak. I told my charge nurse and headed to labor and delivery. I had blood work, a urinalysis, they checked my blood sugar, and hooked me up to the monitors. the blood sugar and blood work was fine. They said I may have a UTI, but it's hard to say because being pregnant might be making those labs off.

Meanwhile, I had contractions. I knew I was having them. The resident comes in to tell me everything was okay, but then asked "are you feeling those contractions you are having?" Yes! She called my OB and said that since the contractions aren't regular yet, to go home for now and come back when they are closer together. I am still contracting, but they are 10-15 minutes apart. We'll see!

Meanwhile, the nurse who was taking care of me was talking to me about Ethan and becoming a big brother. She gave me some paperwork they give new siblings so I could read over it. Most of it is for Ethan, but one paper was for Jay and I. She left me to read it and there was one single sentence that got me. Here's what it said, "And if he happens to be the first child, it means losing, forever, the undivided family limelight." That did me in. I sat there sniffling and wiping my eyes. I am so excited for my new baby, but at the exact same time, my heart breaks for Ethan. He has been an "only" for so long, and those days are almost over. A lot of people have the worry that they won't be able to love their new baby as much as they love their first. I can understand this, but I don't think it will be an issue. For me, I am terrifed that Ethan is going to feel left out, and it just breaks my heart.

I noticed the past few days, he is VERY quick to anger with me. He storms off at the tiniest thing. Today I finally said to him gently "Ethan, are you excited for the new baby?" His response? "No." His reason wasn't selfish, though. His reason was that the new baby was going to hurt me when I had him or her. He then said, "Babies are big. It HAS to hurt when it comes out." I lied to him and assured him it wouldn't hurt me. I told him doctors will give me medicine to make sure I would be okay. He didn't buy it. He's scared. Big time. He hates the thought of me being in a hospital. We already have arrangements for him to go to my parents when I am in active labor and he also said "How come I have to go live with Meema and Papa when the baby is coming?" Oh, my heart. He's so confused and I don't know how else to assure him that it will be okay.

So that's what's on my mind BESIDES these contractions. I just hope I handle it okay. Lately he tells me he loves me ALL the time and whenever I leave him, he asks for a hug and a kiss. He never used to do that. I just pray this transition is easy on him. I adore him and I am so protective of him.

And that is what I am most afraid of. Bring on labor. Bring on the delivery. Bring on the sleepless nights and my crazy thyroid issues I apparently get after having a baby. Bring on the anxiety, stress, and baby blues.

But please, God, don't let Ethan feel left out or unloved.

Monday, August 10, 2009

I put this on facebook, but felt it was worthy of going here, too, since this is where I post all my Ethan-isms.

Ethan was in the living room watching cartoons. I was in the basement ordering blinds for the baby's room, and Jay was watching the other TV. Apparently at some point, the cartoons ended and the news started. Ethan comes up to Jay and I and says "I just wanted to let you guys know that there is a big storm headed this way and a man was found dead in Detroit. What's Detroit?


Friday, August 7, 2009

I am a judgmental person.

You'll never hear me deny it. I know I am. I always have been. I got the chance to REALLY think about just how judgmental I am this week, though, when I got word of 2 different people gossiping about me, and making incredibly inaccurate assumptions about me.

It made me realize that I am not judgmental about everything. In fact, I think a lot of the times I am really REALLY understanding of people. I put up with a lot. I can think of several instances where people have used me, I knew/know they were/are using me, and I still tolerate it. I rarely confront anyone, regardless of what they do to me, which is why when I finally DO put my foot down, people are shocked.

Here are the VERY FEW things I have zero tolerance for:

1. Bad parents. I am far from being a perfect parent. I will never say otherwise. Jay and I even joke that with baby #2, we're going to get it right this time. But I'm talking parents that just plain suck. Smoke while you are pregnant? Pay no attention to your kids? Say condescending things to them? Just plain lazy when it comes to taking care of them? The list goes on and on. I hate it. I can't be friends or be around people like that. I have tried, and it doesn't work. When you take your "job" of being a parent as seriously as I do, I just don't have any interest in being around people who don't.

2. Freeloaders. Nothing in life is easy. You have to work for it. That's all I'll say about that.

3. People who disrespect my family, especially Ethan. Don't mess with my kid. It takes very little to offend me when it comes to him. This doesn't make me a mean person. It makes me a mom who is fiercely in love with her child. Other people can love your child, but no one loves them like their mom or dad, and I truly believe this. I take my job seriously. I never ever consider my reactions to be overreacting. He will always know that I am on his side regardless. I know life isn't always roses and sunshine, and I know that people are going to hurt him. But if I can do ANYTHING to prevent it, I will without hesitation and zero regret. I'm his mom. It's my job. And I feel this way about my family, too. Don't go there. It'll never turn out good.

So yeah. I thought long and hard about things that I just can't bring myself to overlook, and this was all I had.

I shouldn't care so much about what people think about me, but I do, and it's because I care. I don't want people to think untrue things. It bothers me. I lose sleep over it. But these few things will forever be nonnegotiable with me.

I don't think that makes me a bad person.