Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Weird day for me..

I woke up feeling off. Just...strange. Can't really describe it. Baby K was quieter than usual, which concerned me a tad. I decided I'd eat a nice sugary lunch (pancakes!) to get him or her moving. When that didn't work, I got scared. I called Jay and he convinced me to go to labor and delivery, but by the time I got to the parking lot, Baby K was moving beautifully so I just went to straight to my floor since I had to work.

At work, I still felt off. About an hour into my shift, my vision got blurry and I felt really weak. I told my charge nurse and headed to labor and delivery. I had blood work, a urinalysis, they checked my blood sugar, and hooked me up to the monitors. the blood sugar and blood work was fine. They said I may have a UTI, but it's hard to say because being pregnant might be making those labs off.

Meanwhile, I had contractions. I knew I was having them. The resident comes in to tell me everything was okay, but then asked "are you feeling those contractions you are having?" Yes! She called my OB and said that since the contractions aren't regular yet, to go home for now and come back when they are closer together. I am still contracting, but they are 10-15 minutes apart. We'll see!

Meanwhile, the nurse who was taking care of me was talking to me about Ethan and becoming a big brother. She gave me some paperwork they give new siblings so I could read over it. Most of it is for Ethan, but one paper was for Jay and I. She left me to read it and there was one single sentence that got me. Here's what it said, "And if he happens to be the first child, it means losing, forever, the undivided family limelight." That did me in. I sat there sniffling and wiping my eyes. I am so excited for my new baby, but at the exact same time, my heart breaks for Ethan. He has been an "only" for so long, and those days are almost over. A lot of people have the worry that they won't be able to love their new baby as much as they love their first. I can understand this, but I don't think it will be an issue. For me, I am terrifed that Ethan is going to feel left out, and it just breaks my heart.

I noticed the past few days, he is VERY quick to anger with me. He storms off at the tiniest thing. Today I finally said to him gently "Ethan, are you excited for the new baby?" His response? "No." His reason wasn't selfish, though. His reason was that the new baby was going to hurt me when I had him or her. He then said, "Babies are big. It HAS to hurt when it comes out." I lied to him and assured him it wouldn't hurt me. I told him doctors will give me medicine to make sure I would be okay. He didn't buy it. He's scared. Big time. He hates the thought of me being in a hospital. We already have arrangements for him to go to my parents when I am in active labor and he also said "How come I have to go live with Meema and Papa when the baby is coming?" Oh, my heart. He's so confused and I don't know how else to assure him that it will be okay.

So that's what's on my mind BESIDES these contractions. I just hope I handle it okay. Lately he tells me he loves me ALL the time and whenever I leave him, he asks for a hug and a kiss. He never used to do that. I just pray this transition is easy on him. I adore him and I am so protective of him.

And that is what I am most afraid of. Bring on labor. Bring on the delivery. Bring on the sleepless nights and my crazy thyroid issues I apparently get after having a baby. Bring on the anxiety, stress, and baby blues.

But please, God, don't let Ethan feel left out or unloved.

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