Thursday, January 31, 2013

Tomorrow I will wear red.  And it will be tricky, because I own nothing red in my maternity wardrobe, nor do I fit into anything NON-maternity, but I will figure something out because it is that important to me.

I will wear read because heart disease kills people every. single. day.  My sister didn't have heart disease, but she had a faulty heart.  At least THAT day she did.  THAT day, for whatever reason, her heart stopped beating in that "lub dub" pattern most are familiar with, and took on a beat of it's own.  A beat that does not sustain life, causing her to collapse.  A beat that doesn't convert back into a normal "lub dub" rhythm and instead tuckers out and that is when death arrives.  Her heart was "assisted" to beat, whatever rhythm that would be, because people were pounding on her chest as they did CPR.  A crazy, sporadic beating heart is better than a non-beating heart.  That carried on until first responders could deliver high voltage shocks.  Two, to be exact, before she would start breathing on her own, and it has ever since that horrible day.

AED's don't just appear.  They are costly.  CPR and ACLS training isn't something you just learn through life experiences... you are TRAINED in them.  You do it the wrong way, it doesn't work.  It takes skill.  All of the specialty physician's involved in her care (which also included neurology due to the anoxic brain injury she had.  Has.) weren't just born with their knowledge, it took time, lessons, experiences, research.  All of which comes from raising awareness and funding.

Which brings you to my third year "Going Red" for my sister.  "Going red" for you, your mom, dad, brother, daughter, son, friend.  "Going red" because if you had told me September 19, 2010 what was going to happen on September 20, 2010, I would have said, "Are you crazy??" "Going red" because over 90% of the other people out there who will suffer sudden cardiac arrest like my sister did, will not still be on this Earth just over 2 years later to share her story and experiences.

My sister lived, and we thank God every day that people were "going red" long before we even knew what it meant.

Tomorrow I'll put together my Heart Walk donation page and we will continue to push for what OUR hearts know is so important.

Want to go red, too?

Monday, January 28, 2013

Space bar is fixed!  FINALLY!

Since the second to last time I posted (not the last, where I explained the space bar situation, but the time before that) ...a lot has happened.

I don't go back and re-read entries, so I may repeat myself, but we had the 2 year anniversary of my sisters incident on September 20.  It was low key and that was okay.  Bottom line is it will always be a memory day for us.

Before that it was the miscarriage, and that's where I'll start with today.

I don't need to say the miscarriage was hard because that's a given.  You don't even need to experience one to know.  But that was the start of a rough patch for me.

About 4 weeks after the miscarriage, before I even had a regular cycle, I got pregnant again and I felt such a sense of peace and contentment.  Peace in knowing this time it would be okay.  Contentment in knowing that we wanted this, and the loss prior proved it to us.

Now going back further to when my sister got sick and I started to realize a lifestyle change...a MAJOR lifestyle change was taking place that I struggled to adapt to, lead to me being put on a high dose of antidepressants.  By "high dose" I mean, "there is no higher dose available".  And what areas that didn't help me with, I had an anxiety medication to fill in the gaps.  No, I was not striving to be in a loopy, comatose state.  I was striving to be OUT of the comatose state.  And it helped.

Pregnancy changes things (duh!) so those medications are gone.  Which means I'm on my own here and it is freaking HARD.

I am so thankful for this little life my body is nourishing.  I love every kick and squirm.  I recently told Jay I feel more prenatal attachment to this baby than I did with Ethan and Allison, which we both attribute mostly to the fact that this WILL be our last baby so these pregnancy moments are done after this one is born.  For me, though, it's going through these mental nightmares and doing it all for that sweet, sweet baby, because he is worth it to me.

At present day, I am 25 weeks pregnant.  I LOVE feeling the movement and I constantly day dream about what he will look like.  I can't wait to hold him on my chest, skin to skin, for as long as possible.  I can't wait to see what he'll think of his big sister who I am almost certain be treating him like a real doll, dressing him, moving him around, pushing him in the stroller, and hopefully all of this with as little injury to him as possible.  I'm excited to see how Ethan will handle having a brother who is SO much younger than him.  It's exciting!

I am just a realist, though, and know that being off medication for the good of a growing baby IS a good thing, that to think that my life will all of a sudden be rainbows and unicorns once baby is here (because being off my medications right now is not easy in the least!) is not all that realistic, and I know this new baby as well as my older babies, will need a mom that isn't walking a fine line of stability.  Nope!  Not gonna happen.

Now HOW I am going to ensure my needs are met post-partum, that is another hurdle in my way, so I'll save that for another post.  I'm just glad to be back!!