Saturday, February 25, 2012

"I read it, thinking you were talking about one of your patients, then I realized you were talking about Leslie.  Why would you post that?" -mom

I'm not sure why I posted it.  I have read the documents before, but this time I had a different set.  I had the EMS notes from that day, and I had never seen them before.

I suppose I posted it because I am working really, really hard lately at trying to find peace.  In general, and in coping with Leslie's incident.  It has been a HUGE struggle for me, but I am determined to find it.

Anyhow, reading those notes are sad and might make you gasp.  But those notes serve as a purpose of proving where we WERE and where we've COME.  And where we've COME is a long, long way.

To put it bluntly:  She shouldn't have survived that day, medically speaking.  When she was working on recovering in the hospital, my mom, dad, George, and I would toss out random "what ifs".

"If she needs 24 hour care, how will we work that out?"

"Can we get a ramp built if she comes home in a wheelchair?"

And when she failed her swallow evaluation after her NG tube was pulled, there was talk about surgically inserting a PEG tube into her belly to receive tube feedings.

"How long will she require that?  Why won't she swallow?"

"Will she talk?  Will she ever start to know who we are?"

As sad as it is to read about the factual events of that day, it is inspiring to me.  Does that make me strange?  It's inspiring because I can stop becoming frustrated with her memory loss and lack of motivation, and focus on all the things she DOES do. 

It helps.  It puts peace within my heart and mind.  It helps me to remain thankful.

And trust me.  I am very, very thankful.

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