Wednesday, September 14, 2011

I wish I had something profound to blog about, but I just don't right now!  My brain is pretty empty, and I am okay with that :) 

I was totally dreading Ethan starting school up again, because we had gotten on a really lazy summer schedule, but I have found just one week in to school that I love being back to our routine.  Both kids love it, in fact.  It's going really, really well, and Ethan is loving second grade.

Allison has become my shadow.  Ethan was never really shy, but Allison panics when someone she doesn't know approaches her.  Like take today, for instance.  We were waiting outside the doors Ethan comes out of after class.  There were two other ladies standing around, but apparently Allison didn't feel threatened by them.  But then!  Oh, but then!  A MAN comes!  And my sweet, quiet little angle who has one of her arms wrapped around my leg looks up at me and says, "Oh, WOOK, Mama!  A man!  Carry you, Mama, Carry you!" (Carry you is her way of actually saying carry ME)  Yes, it was loud.  And yes, the poor man probably wondered what the heck he did wrong.  But he scared her!

I taught Ethan how to play REAL hopscotch today and we had a blast.  Did you know hopscotch is a really good form of cardio?  Especially when your son makes the numbers go past 30.  I was huffing and puffing and toppling over and stubbing my toe right and left.  And I also learned how thankful I am to have two legs, because playing hopscotch today made it very clear that one leg should not have to bear the weight of the rest of me.  My knees were trembling!  We had lots of laughs, though.  Daddy even joined in!

On a more serious note, this year has been the worst, and we are nearing the one year anniversary of my sister's incident.  Since that horrible time, more bad things have happened:

  • My Uncle Jim was killed in a car accident
  • I was diagnosed with early congestive heart failure
  • My grandma was hospitalized and has since had to move out of her apartment and into a nursing home
  • My Uncle Archie has bleeding on the brain and is having some cognitive struggles right now
  • As with any family crisis, our marriage has taken a hit as we both deal with stress differently
I'm sure there is more, but it just feels like a really rough year.  I remember back in the early days of my sisters incident realizing when people say they can feel the weight of the stress on them.  I get that.  You literally CAN feel it.  And it hurts, and it's heavy, and it's hard to carry around but you literally have NO choice.

September 20 is going to be a HARD day for me.  But I am also using September 20 as the day I move forward.  Making more changes.  Rejuvenating my marriage, breaking out of this funk, make plans, set goals, cut back so I can give more.  You have choices in life.  Leslie's incident has left me living in fear and anger.  Fear that something could happen again to her or to someone else I love, and anger that it even happened at all.  Anger that our lives were changed without our consent.  I have lived with those emotions now for nearly a year, and while I won't say it's wrong to feel that way, it's not helping me.  I need positive changes.  I need to let go of the fear and just LIVE.  I need to let go of the anger and just ACCEPT.

We will get there.  Just like Leslie, baby steps.

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