Sunday, November 6, 2011

Wanna hear a shocking fact about me?

I hate when people are mad at me.  They can be the most bitter, angry, hateful, rude person in the world, but when I know they dislike me or are mad at me, it rips my heart out.

Wanna know something else?  I have low self-esteem, and I think this is where it all stems from.

I remember telling my best friend, Kristen, when we were in Vegas years and years ago that I NEVER look in the mirror and think, "Wow, I look really nice today!"  ...I'm serious.  I don't.  When I know someone is looking at me, I usually look away. 

I guess this is why I yearn for approval from people.  It eats me to the core to know that there is something about me that is disliked my someone, which leads to my mind running a mile a minute about all of my faults.

Sure, I know there are things about me that make it EASY to not like me.  I am moody.  Think PMS times a million.  That is me.  I am crazy unorganized and quite impatient at times.  My priorities tend to be ALL out of whack and...well, yeah.

Throughout this past year (you know, the "sister" year), I have been working so hard to rearrange this way of thinking.  It literally exhausts me to constantly try to please people, and then at the end of the day, I always think to myself, "Hey, what about what I want?  Or what about what I feel is important?"

It is a huge struggle, but I am doing okay.  I no longer feel I need to dissect every action I make to others, to make them see my side.

I don't judge people based on others opinions, but I remain brutally faithful to those I love and care about.  It is possible to be a good friend, and still be polite and professional with others...did you know that?

I lived an entire year of anger and bitterness.  I'm D-O-N-E with that.  Did I mention I'm done?

I am working to see good in all of us, because I recognize that no one is perfect (remember I listed just a SMALL fraction of my faults).

Tonight I met some wonderful friends for dinner.  We had great conversation (we are all nurses, so the stories are ENDLESS!).  Then I had some great phone conversations with two more wonderful friends, and I hung up thinking to myself:  I am blessed.

My issue with craving acceptance will likely never go away.  It's just a part of who I am.  But the part that I am working on, the part where I remain genuine and truthful WITH MYSELF?  That part is shaping up nicely.

I'll end this with some positive things.  I love my family (both blood and by marriage) with every ounce of my being, and every. single. day. I think God for all you do for me.  I am a GOOD mother.  Not perfect, but there is no doubt in my mind that my kids know that I would walk to the ends of the earth for them.  I live, eat, and breath for those two kids, and I love them with my whole heart.  I am a loyal, faithful wife.  My husband works harder than anyone I know to provide for his family, and is an AMAZING daddy.  Him and I connect on a level that I have never had with anyone else before.  Not only is he my lover (ooooh la la!) but he is also my very best friend.  And lastly, my friends.  Loyalty is used frequently here.  I consider myself very, very loyal and I hope they ALL know that.  If you doubt my loyalty, then you know me VERY little.    And last, I love my God.  I love my faith.  And I love my church.  My Bible is never far from me, and I love how my faith has grown in leaps and bounds.

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