The only reason I am documenting this all, is because I know there will be a time, hopefully in the near future, where I will call Leslie up and say "you are never going to believe what happened!" ...and this is how I will remember the details.

Today I got a horrific phone call. My dad called while I was on my way to get Ethan from school. He was crying and he said "your sister had a seizure at work today and they had to do CPR." I stopped my car in the middle of the road and all I remember was loudly saying "What?? Wait, what?? WHO did this happen to?" then I hung up and the tears started. My initial reaction was "I have to get to my sister."

No one really knows at this point the background of what happened, but all we know is she had a seizure at school. When EMS came, she was not breathing and she had no pulse. CPR was performed and they were able to shock her heart back into a normal rhythm. She was rushed to Henry Ford ER in Brownstown where they ventilated her.

By the time I got to the ER, my parents and George were already there. No one had seen her yet, but the doctor had told us pretty much what we already knew. They eventually let us go back and see her, two at a time. She was completely unconscious. It was such a horrible sight. They made arrangements for her to go to Henry Ford Main in Detroit. George rode in the ambulance, and my parents and I all went home to regroup and go back up.

When we got to Main, George was in the waiting room so we sat with him. No one had seen her yet since she got there. The doctor called us back and was asking us some questions about her medical history. He said they aren't sure what is going on, so they are basically starting with blank slate and addressing every possibility of what is going on.

We got back to see her. She seemed very comfortable, but whenever she was touched or moved, she would have a seizure. It basically looked like she was shivering for a few seconds. It was happening very often, so we were advised not to touch her. I asked why she wasn't having these little seizures at the ER, and they said it was because she was getting IV seizure medication and they had turned it off to see how she would respond. This was how she was responding. She was back on it, but she was still having the seizures. She was also getting IV ativan as needed. At that point she was up to 10mg of Ativan and was still seizing.

The doctor came back in and was asking more questions. They said for a healthy 29 year old to be having this issue, with no previous history, and for her heart to have actually have stopped, they were baffled as to what was causing it. A neurologist is on board, along with a cardiologist. They said because her heart stopped, they are wondering if maybe a cardiac issue caused her to collapse, and the lack of oxygen from not breathing caused the seizure, but her EKG at this point is normal, other than showing tachycardia (fast heart rate). Her troponins (a lab that looks for cardiac damage) were slightly elevated, but nothing to be TOO alarmed about, but they were also taking that into consideration.

The fact that she is continually having seizures also doesn't make sense to the doctors. For her to have no history, and then all of a sudden have a massive seizure and continuous small seizures doesn't really make sense. They did a chest x-ray which was okay, and they did a head cat scan which was okay.

So right now, we have absolutely NO answers. She is very sedated and nonresponsive. She is still on the ventilator and as of right now, there is no plan to take her off. When we left tonight, she had stopped the smaller seizures, so I was holding her hand and rubbing her hair.

I can't believe this is happening. It is so terrifying. I keep reminding myself that had she been alone when this happened, she would be gone. That is sickening.

I don't know what the future will be like for her. No one knows right now. The idea of her not being here is just inconceivable, so we aren't even going there.

We are just asking for a lot of prayers, because as of right now, that is all the hope we've really got.

Just so I'm not being super vague about the "issues" we are having, I figured I would dedicate a post entirely to that.

It's regarding Ethan. He is very smart and sweet. He has a heart of gold and is always eager to please people. He is very cuddly and loving. He's just super fun to be around and is constantly making us laugh.

However, ever since he was a baby, he has been very stubborn and somewhat strong-willed. He gets the stubborn side from both his father and I. Double whammy. He gets really upset about things that most kids would just shrug off. He doesn't forget easily. For instance, when he was about 2, we were at a birthday party. He kept wanting to play in the cooler that was holding all the drinks. He liked the ice. When I told him no and tried to distract him with something else, he got very upset and threw a huge temper tantrum. I realize that this is normal for a kid to throw a tantrum, especially at that age, but he wouldn't stop. We ended up having to leave the party because he was so upset.

He's 6 now. He does VERY well in school. He loves to learn and has an amazing attention span. He is also extremely creative. He loves designing things and building things. It's very impressive. Yet he still has issues with coping. He is very sensitve to unpredictability. If things come up that aren't planned, he pretty much shuts down. When he gets upset about something, he is very dramatic and sometimes extreme. If he falls or trips, it's pretty much guaranteed that he will cry. He is a lot worse for me than he is his dad, which makes it hard since it's mostly just me at home with both kids since Jay works 5-6 days per week. Yesterday he was great for me all morning. Then something set him off, I have no idea what, and he got very mouthy with me. I have learned that ignoring the mouthiness does nothing, so I sent him to his room. This made him even more mad and he ended up pushing his TV off the stand. I was so surprised. He still was never able to tell me what upset him in the first place.

I'm not sure what to do about it. I tried addressing these concerns with his current pediatrician, but they were so rushy with me, we never got to it. I am in the process of finding another one. We will get through this and I'm not taking it lightly, because I don't want him to struggle. I just feel like I am failing him as his mother because I don't know what to do for him. We are very open right now with our feelings.

So that's what's going on.

All my life I have wanted to be the mother to a girl. When I found out Ethan was a boy, I will admit, I was a little sad, but that night I went shopping and bought my first baby boy clothes fir him, and from that point on, I was so excited about him. When he was born, he was my only child for 4 years and I just felt such a strong sense of closeness with him. He was my BABY! I was so worried about having another baby because I didn't want anything or anyone to interfere with the love I have for my child. It was a bit extreme, yes, but it was how I felt.

When the pregnancy test read "pregnant" on Christmas day 2008, the first words out of my mouth were "it's a girl!" I even bought little girl clothes before we knew her gender, I was THAT certain. Sure enough, my sweet Allison Jay will be turning 1 on August 31. Happy birthday to my little dream come true.

I love my kids so passionately. They both complete me in ways that only they can. They are my life. The worries I had about raising a boy vanished when I saw my sweet boys face. The worries I had of Ethan feeling left out or alone when Allison was born vanished when I saw just how much he adores her and still to this day goes out of his way to protect her.

I have really great kids. We are going through a struggle right now, but I truly feel in my heart that we are on the right track right now. My kids come first so if there is something I need to do, I will do it if it means I will strengthen the connection with them.

I love you to the moon and back, Ethan and Allison. I am proud to be your mom. You complete our family in more ways than one and I am so excited to see what the future holds for all of us.

Love,
Mama

It is such a shame that I slacked so much on blogging throughout Allison's first year. I did it religiously when Ethan was a baby (and all through his pregnancy, too!). I guess life just started to get in the way. The urge to update people was met by myspace first, and then facebook. I didn't have to rely on my journal or blog to keep my family updated, because I could make quick updates and show pictures on another forum. But even though it was more convenient for me at the time, now I have nothing to look back on.

So let's play catch-up. Ethan is 6 and is starting first grade in a week. He is NOT excited. He is so smart, though, and I am excited to see what he learns. I have some concerns about his anxiety and his lack of desire to leave the house. He's just different, in that sense. He worries about crazy things. Things that make sense to worry about, but things that most kids aren't even aware of. Things that, to me, prevent him from just enjoying his childhood. But we are working on that, so we'll re-address that later.

He is so smart! I know I already said that, but he is. He loves designing things. He loves the concept of different levels in a video game, and will take that and draw endless pictures of all these different levels in a made-up video game. He also likes to write out steps to things... like the steps involved in rearranging his room, for example. He also loves to build with Lego's and just tonight he created a "board game" out of his Lego's. It was very intricate and he had a set of rules to go with it. Very clever and creative. The boy has an amazing mind.

He also has an amazing heart. His love for his family is just overwhelming. This is part of where his anxiety comes in, but he is so protective of Allison. He adores her and he loves making her smile (which isn't hard to do, because she equally adores him!). He also is just as much a daddy's boy as he is a momma's boy. It makes me smile because he will say things like "when I get older, you will still snuggle me, right?" and I think to myself "I hope so!" but in reality, I know there will come a time where snuggling your mom is totally NOT cool.

Allison is just a doll. She is fearless and tough. She just learned how to give kisses, including the "smack" sound with her lips. She loves baby dolls and is frequently found walking around with them and occasionally pulling them away from her little chest to check on them. She will pat their backs and say "awwww". We often have to remind her to "be nice!" when petting the dogs because she gets overly excited and starts whacking away at their heads as they blink defensively. She is a GREAT eater (unlike big brother) and loves anything and everything, including lima beans! ...just don't offer her watermelon because it makes her gag.

She is cutting teeth like crazy. Her two bottom teeth are in, but her top teeth are coming in quite strange. She just has one of the fang type teeth on top, then the middle top tooth is slightly coming through. To put it bluntly, and I can say this because I am her mother and nobody loves you like your mother...she looks like a little hillbilly with their crazy teeth (or lack of). But she makes hillbillies look good, because, aside from the strange teeth, she is just gorgeous. She has super blonde hair, super blue eyes, and the most kissable cheeks I have ever seen.

So in a nutshell, the kids are doing great. Jay and I are doing great, too. Our kids are our world and we just love being parents. Everything we do is for them. I will get some pictures up here very soon, promise! And I promise to post more often. Not for an audience (I have one on facebook) but for my memories. Time goes by so fast, it's so easy to forget. I don't want to forget.

As I said in my facebook status, if there was such a thing as a perfect weekend, this past weekend would definitely be it!

Work has been crazy, so I was really grateful to be getting off work last Friday at 3:30. I had plans for Allison and I to meet my mom and sister for dinner at Olive Garden. Allison was just a peach at dinner, and us girls got in some much needed girl talk. Afterwards, the four of us headed to the mall where we did some window shopping.

Saturday we had a lazy morning, followed by a cookout at a good friends house. It was Allison's first cook out and she handled it like a champ! Ethan has become so polite and well behaved at social situations, and he made friends with a little girl that was there, so he was also great. Jay and I got to catch up with old friends. All of us either had kids, or had a baby on the way.

Sunday Allison and I went to church. After church, we went to my sisters house for another cookout. Ethan loves going to my sisters and Allison got her first taste of swimming. The girl is a fish! She wasn't afraid of the water AT ALL! It was hot and the food was delicious. My sister is an excellent hostess.

Sunday evening Jay and the baby stayed in to soak up the air conditioning and Ethan and I went to a local carnival. I spent way too much money on over-priced and likely unsafe rides, but we had a blast together. He likes rides just as much as I do and it was so much fun to laugh and have a great time, just the two of us. He is such a great kid.

Today I had to work, so Daddy and the kids hung out at home. Jay picked up a new camera for me with my birthday money. It takes amazing photos, so I'll have to share some. When I got off work, my parents came over for a very informal cookout. Now everyone is just relaxing and enjoying the rainy evening.

Jay said it to me this weekend just as I was thinking it... "I love our little family."

God, I am bad at this blogging thing!

Work has been bad. Scatch that. It's been horrible. So horrible, I now dread going in, and I question my decision to become a nurse in the first place.

Let me tell you about what I do love about nursing. I love caring for people, but on a really simple level. I love making sure their beds are neat, their bodies are clean, their arms and legs are positioned using clean pillows. I like to tidy up their room and make sure any item they may need is easily within reach. If they are confused, I put their TV on the calming station, which shows calming pictures and soft music. I make sure their heels, backs, and bottoms stay free of redness. I get so much fulfillment out of this, as silly as it sounds. I like to take GOOD care of my patients, and when I have time to do that, I leave there feeling like I made a difference. And it was making a difference doing something really small.

However, the ER at the hospital has been so over-run. We have levels indicating how much of a crisis we are in. There have been several times we have been at a level 3, which basically means there are people down there waiting for over 24 hours. By the time they get a room, they are understandably upset, so we do a lot of...what's the word...butt-kissing, to try to make them happy. Also, staffing seems to be down, so we are frequently on patient overload, taking care of 6-7 patients when realistically 5 should be the maximum. On my floor, hospice and oncology, I have either critically ill patients or patients that are so close to death, to just ignore them because you are too busy is just horrible.

I need balance. I need to figure out a way to be able to really CARE for my patients without being overwhelmed. I need to prioritize my workload and save stuff for the next shift, if I have to. Because by the time I leave at the end of my shift, I am ready to cry, run, and not look back. I need to get my gameplan back before I become burnt out like we learned about in nursing school.

I am confident I will get to where I need to be so I can start enjoying my job again. I just read an AWESOME article in the Reader's Digest about EXACTLY what I have been feeling. It's crazy, because it is so parallel to my life, it's like it was put there for me to see. Even the reason the woman in the article went into nursing is the exact reason I did. It really showed me that it's not just me feeling this way, it's just the job as a whole. But in the big picture, I do a lot for my patients, even if it doesn't feel like it.

I'm off tomorrow, but I'll be back Monday. Fingers crossed!

Things are going a bit better. I think a big part of my issue is how sleepy I am all the time. Regardless of how tired I am during the day, though, I struggle to sleep at night and end up with only 4ish hours at a time. That is SO not enough for me. So then I spend the entire next day feely super tired and groggy. Now I know the logical thing to do would be to find something to help me sleep, but oh, I am one step ahead of you! I have a prescription sleeping pill, and I have also used Tylenol PM and Simply Sleep. They work. I fall asleep fast and deep. But I am still really tired the next day.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't, no?

I am trying to stay busy to help with my mood. The bottom line here is that I am going to feel tired, whether I stay home or I go out. I am happier when I am out. So I am trying to get out of the house as much as I can. It's working! Miss Allison and I have started walking while Ethan is at school. On Ethan's off days, we don't walk, but we still get things done around the house. And bonus... I get exercize!

Now, enough about me...how about those babies?

Ethan had his first dentist appointment a few weeks ago and did amazingly well. He was really nervous, but I went first and he was really calm during his turn. He also has 4 loose teeth right now!! The top to are just slightly loose, but the bottom 2 are VERY loose. I can't wait to see how he looks without his teeth!!

He is doing so well with reading. I was reading my own book and he was snuggled up next to me and I could hear him whispering the words he knew.. I was very impressed! I love how much HE loves to learn.

Miss Allison is just growing WAY too fast! This past Sunday she finally started to crawl, and just today I felt her first tooth poking through! She can pull herself to standing quite easily now, which scares me. It's exciting at the same time. She just amazes me! Oh, and I finally got her to copy me when I say "ma ma ma"... so now that's all I hear! She follows me around saying "Ma ma! Ma ma!" It just melts me.

That's about it for now. Ethan has school tomorrow. I will do my normal get up with Allison at 6:30, take a nap with her when she does her first morning nap, but THEN I plan to take her to the park because it is supposed to be gorgeous out.

I will post some pictures soon.