Friday, January 13, 2012

It's been about a year since I had my ER visit for heart palpitations, which lead me to getting some cardiac testing by my cardiologist, which lead to them finding out my heart doesn't have the strength that it should, which lead to me seeing a cardiologist who put me through MORE testing, and two medications that knock me off my feet with exhaustion.

I was a good little patient for a few months, but the fatigue the pills caused was just too much so I (gasp!) quit taking them.

Yesterday was my yearly physical with my primary physician, but she wasn't there so I saw her father who has been a doctor for a very long time.  To give my history in one quick visit is impossible, but he wanted to know why I was on the heart medications (or supposed to be....) which lead to him reading my stress test and MRI results.

Bottom line:  I am 29 years old and I have mild congestive heart failure.  Did I know this?  Yes.  Did I accept this?  Nope.  Twenty-nine year olds don't get CHF!  That is an OLD person condition! I'm not old!  I'm at my prime!  So, I more-or-less did the whole plug my ears and say LA LA LA! ..whenever the talk of my heart issue was discussed.

I'm pretty certain that now is the time to own it and deal with it.  But it's freaking HARD!  I don't want more cardiac testing (which I have to do).  I don't want more paperwork in the mail reminding me that I have CHF and the warning signs I need to look for (which I do receive!). 

I had a major pity party today.  Just a real down in the dumps kind of mood.  Acceptance sucks.  But the alternative is way worse, and if I keep pretending like nothing is wrong, I am only setting myself up for even WORSE consequences.  It's not going to go away. I can only pray it doesn't get worse, but I have no control over it if it does.  I DO have control over whether or not I do the necessary testing and medication taking, so I am finally ready to just buckle down and freaking DO it.

Like is hard.  It's unfair.  It lets you think you are two steps ahead and then it shoves you back down again.  But it's a choice on whether or not you want to live in a constant state of resentment and anger, or just deal with what it throws at you and make the best of it.

I'm not feeling all "YAY ME!  I AM SO PRO-ACTIVE ABOUT MY LIFE!"  Nope, not even a tiny bit.  I'm dragging my feet and I have my best pouty face on.

But I'll still do it.

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