Thursday, December 9, 2010

All of my life, I have considered myself a Christian. As a child, I was involved in Sunday school and youth group. I have extremely fond memories of those days. As I got older, I continued to be an active member of my church, and I even taught Sunday school for preschoolers and served as a trustee. I thoroughly enjoyed going to church, and could not imagine my life without it.

When Ethan was born, I had him baptized. I took him to Sunday school. However, as he got older and our lives became busier, I slowly stopped attending. After all, I had to work every other weekend, so having a weekend "off" was a treat. Who wanted to get up early if they didn't have to? Slowly, I started realizing that I was no longer praying. I even started to question the whole idea of God, Jesus, and Heaven. It was a nice idea..but it was just that. An idea. And the sad part was... I was totally fine with my new way of thinking.

Several months ago, I was driving alone in my car, when I thought to myself "For me to become a believer in God again, something big is going to have to happen. Something life-changing. And then a miracle is going to have to happen. THEN maybe I will start believing that there is a power out there that is bigger than myself."

And then September 20 happened. My sister collapsed. I won't lie and say that I immediately turned to God. I didn't. I didn't even pray initially. It took me several weeks before I remembered what I had thought months before. And it literally took my breath away when I remembered.

Now I am certainly NOT saying that God saw my faith whithering away and used my sister as some sort of example. I don't believe that for one second. I am also not going to say that now that my faith has started to grow again, that my life is all rainbows and sunshine and everything all of a sudden makes sense. NONE of it makes sense and the unknown is haunting. I am a mess. Every morning I wake up thinking that today will be the day that I will start making better choices, and every night I go to bed trying to think of new ways to escape this reality. Often I wish that I could take Leslie's place. I deserve it. I'm not as good of a person as she is. She is a GOOD person. She has a heart of gold. I have always been more...what's the right word... mean? Judgmental? Both?

One of my biggest issues with Christianity are the people who act as though once you believe in God and start following His ways and reading the Bible, everything in life is so much easier. What the heck am I doing wrong, if this is the case? I struggle with how God can supposedly heal some people of such simple, insignificant ailments, yet my sister has to struggle every single day. I know how much MY heart hurts when I listen to her cry and ask, "Why me? What did I do to deserve this?" can this supposed "almighty, loving, and powerful" God sit back and not fix her?

I don't know. But I do know that the odds were VERY much against her. One horrifying incident has had such a ripple effect. People who hardly know her tear up when they hear her story. People are giving in such extremely generous ways, and I am absolutely CERTAIN that Heaven is literally bombarded with prayers for her on a daily basis.

I believe in God and I believe He was with her on September 20. I believe that God knows how much my heart is hurting, and I believe he knows how much her heart is hurting, too. I believe that her time on Earth will NOT be done any time soon, and that someday we will have a better understanding of why this happened. I do NOT believe this is the new Leslie, and I do believe that while it seems as though she has hit a plateau, she will continue to improve, a little at a time. And I also believe that I will have my days where I hit rock bottom, but I will also have my days where I will be full of hope.

She is a true miracle.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...


God is never late.
God never leaves one of His children behind.
He will use any circumstance to draw His children nearer to Him, and He will always meet you where you are.
God didn't cause your sweet sister to collapse on Sept. 20th, but He was most certainly there holding her in His tight grip as He was you and your entire family.
It's all about TRUST.
Sometimes, when we don't know what to do and the whole world is spinning like mad all around us, the only thing left to do is just stand. Be still and just stand. Listen for His voice and clutch His hand, for He'll never, ever, ever let go of yours. But you have to trust Him first. That's all He asks. Trust that He loves you so much that your name was on His lips when He hung on that cross. He knows pain. He understands. His father knows pain. He watched His son suffer. Taking up the Cross every day as Christians was never meant to be easy or pain-free. In fact, there are times when it comes with the greatest of pain, struggles and heartache. The difference is that when you relinquish your life to Jesus and ask Him into your heart to be your Lord and Savior, you've got a forever friend willing to carry you through those times. He's never late. He always shows up. And He will hold you tighter and love you more completely than you ever thought possible. There is no love on the face of this earth -- no parent's love, no child's love, no marital love -- that will ever fulfill your every need and be truly "unconditional." Only He is able to give you that.

You don't know me, but I'm praying for you and your sister and your family with my whole heart. I'm praying that He will redeem the situation as He always does knowing full well that doesn't mean it will always look the way we want it -- sometimes it has a new, different look, but it's better -- and that the new Leslie will use her new life to bring glory to the one who lives!

Blessings to you,
From KY