Yesterday was my daughter's second birthday!  I can't believe she is already 2.  Where does the time go?  Following tradition, we had our parents and my sister and her husband over for pizza and cake to celebrate her birth.  It was a wonderful evening.

Now it is no secret that I handled (and am handling) my sister's condition very, very poorly.  We are 3 weeks shy of it being a year since the initial incident happened, and I think I can finally say that I am turning a corner with coping.  I noticed this as my parents, sister, and I sat in my backyard yesterday and just chatted.

My mom made the comment of how she wishes we had video tape of how Leslie was when she first came home and how she is now to compare.  I told them that my mind holds very vivid memories of all the different "phases of Leslie" and I can tell them that the Leslie today and the Leslie 11 months ago is a HUGE difference.  Huge.  For instance, we were talking about what my kids would be for Halloween this year.  None of us could remember what Allison was, but LESLIE did!  And last Halloween she wasn't even home yet...she was still a patient in the rehab facility.

Her memories are coming back and her personality is coming back.  She still repeats things, but she is more like the sister I had before the nightmare happened, and it just fills my heart with SO much happiness.

I can imagine September 20 is going to be a very difficult day, rethinking about the events as they occurred, and I do intend to allow myself to be sad during that particular day.  But there on out, September 21 and for the rest of our lives, I will celebrate the fact that SHE DID IT.  She is a survivor. 

I love you so much, Leslie.

I am a self-proclaimed shopaholic.  Well, actually more like a husband-proclaimed, but whatever.  The first step is admitting it, right?

Anyhow, I was >this< close to making this purchase for Allison's birthday:

So cute, so girly.  It was $25, without shipping.  Couple of quick clicks and it could have been mine.

Buuuut since I was cut off, I had to either go without, or come up with my own version.  So I lugged out this tote full of scrapbooking supplies that has been collecting dust for YEARS now, and got to work.  After about 30 minutes, and without spending a single penny, I made her this:

You can't really tell from the picture, but each circle is tied with a little yellow ribbon.  By no means is it perfect, but it was different, and Allison loved waking up to it this morning!  I plan on only saving her name and hanging it up in her room.

So last night I shared with Jay my idea to simplify our lives.  His response was "Uh, how about you just stop spending so much money at Target?"  Okay, so he's not following me, but I'm still on this quest.

First things first.  Our house is full of stuff.  Our home is roughly 900 square feet.  Small.  Our kids (remember when I said how spoiled they are in the previous post?) have toys ev.ry.where.  Toys they likely don't even know exist.  Therefore, we are going to have a garage sale in 2 weeks.  We have already started gathering items to sell.  We will use any money we make towards Christmas.

I also took Allison to church with me (Ethan is still out of town with my parents).  As I said earlier, it's so much easier to just leave her at home.  She won't go to Sunday School.  She cries the entire time and I just can't do that to her.  Therefore, she has to stay with me, which means I have to keep her quiet for at least an hour and a half and it can be pretty tricky!  But I did it.  She dressed sweetly in her ladybug dress.  Snacked on dried cranberries throughout the sermon, and when it was time to pray, she politely bowed her head.  At one point as she was sitting on my lap, she leaned back, looked at me, smiled and whispered "I just a little girl."

This afternoon, Jay had plans for the entire afternoon.  I wanted to take Allison to the zoo, but that easily would have cost about $60 with gas and the admission fee.  Instead, we drove 10 minutes away to Elizabeth Park.  We sat in the grass and fed the ducks.  We also counted them (there were 29!) and I helped Allison count all the way to 29.  After, we visited all the play areas, and finished off at the animals, where she pet 2 goats, said hello to a duck, and waved to the horses.  Then we came home.  We spent $0.00 and had a beautiful time.

Every day is a work in progress for me.  Heck, most days every minute is work.  I have to make the conscious effort to make my day good and worthwhile.  It's hard, but I am setting goals for myself and I firmly believe I will get back on track.

I have done a crazy amount of thinking lately, so this is basically going to be a "brain dump" kind of post.

This has been one hell of a year.  Obviously, because of what happened to my sister (the one year anniversary is coming up and I am having a really hard time thinking about that), but also other things.  Any type of tragedy can put a strain on relationships.  Jay has been absolutely phenomenal throughout all of it, but it's me that has been difficult to live with.  I have been hit with depression that is worse than ever.  My mood literally goes from happy to angry/sad in the blink of an eye, and my way of dealing with stress is to shop, shop, shop, and unfortunately, our bank account doesn't allow for my amount of stress.

I love my job as a nurse, but sometimes, it also gets very draining.  Obviously there are a ton of legal aspects to my job, so that adds stress, and it seems like every time I go in to work, the load gets bigger.  I'm sure you've heard about the nursing shortage.  It's true.  And there is no end in site.

I think I have wonderful parents.  We had such a normal life, if there is such a thing.  Just my sister and I, my parents, and we always had a dog that was doted on.  We did family vacations every summer, but usually it was low key stuff, like camping.  My sister and I did well in school, we got along great, we grew up into incredible women (had to say it...haha!) ...it was just all very normal.   Then I take a look at my current life, and I try to be as great of a mother as my own, yet Ethan can be SO disobedient and disrespectful, I wonder where I went wrong.  He has such a loving household and he has never gone without.  Why does he think this is okay?

While I was in Mackinac with my kids, I thought about a lot of things.  I thought about what is different with kids now versus back when I was a child.  Facebook, technology, and TV programming are just a few of the things.  When Ethan wakes up in the morning, he can usually find me on the computer.  If he needs something, he usually hears "hang on a minute."  When I was growing up, there was no computer.  My mom was THERE.  Not saying I'm not there for my kids, but it's in a different sense.  I'm distracted constantly.  I should be distracted by them, not some glowing screen.

Another thing.  In Mackinac, we were walking downtown, and there were t-shirt shops everywhere.  In one, Ethan noticed a shirt that had the Grinch on it.  He excitedly said, "Look, Mom!  It's the Grinch! ...is he holding a beer???" (Yes, yes he was) ...and I shooed him away.  There were t-shirts everywhere, for anyone to see with very vulgar words on them.  Ethan has a TV in his room, and he is allowed to watch cartoon network in the evening.  Did you know cartoon network turns into something called adult swim later in the evening?  Inappropriate cartoons are shown at this time.  To Ethan, it's just another cartoon.  But if you watch it, it's full of sexual jokes and alcohol.

Sometimes when I think about Ethan and how he acts, I wonder what is wrong.  Do I need a doctor to evaluate him?  Does he need psychological help to determine why he acts so defiantly?  Or do I just need to take a look at his surroundings?  It was practically a slap in the face when I really thought about it.

My mission is to simplify.  One word, a whole lotta meaning.  We spend to much and give too little.  We get wrapped up in technology and disregard our books and conversation.  We spend time inside lounging when nature is all around us (wading in the Great Lakes looking at rocks with my kids?  Amazing.)  I allow church to be optional for my kids.  Praying at home?  Eh, we sometimes do it.  My kids have toys EVERYWHERE.  Run to the supermarket?  Buy them a treat.  Stop at a toy store to buy someone a birthday present?  Sure, you guys can get a toy, too.

In a world where manners are becoming taboo, I refuse to succumb to this new "norm".  It's easy to do things the way we are doing them right now.  It's SO easy.  My kids are worth the work, though.  And hopefully someday they will be adults with their own children and looking back on their childhood as fondly as I look at mine.

Let's talk about Ethan.

Ethan just turned 7 July 20.  He has always been a unique kid, and it's really amazing and fun to watch him.  He taught himself the alphabet at a super young age, and since then, has always been crazy about letters and reading.  He reads ALL the time now.  He also loves to draw, write, and design.  He writes books, that are very creative and he has now started designing comic strips.  He tells us when he gets older, he wants to be an author.

While he is a very bright child, he also has a side that is very, very difficult.  He is as stubborn as a mule when he has to do something he doesn't want to.  He hates going places, even fun places.  He wants to stay home, all the time.  He can keep himself entertained for hours at home.

When he is nervous about something, he won't come out and say he is nervous, instead, he will act out...he'll get mouthy and defiant.  He is very hesitant to try new things.

Take today, for example.  He woke up in a bad mood.  The first words out of his mouth crabby words.  I always try to be very patient with him when he is like this (he has literally been this way since he was an infant).  Allison wasn't awake yet, so I sat by him on the couch, rubbing his back, and I told him I loved him.  Yesterday he was begging to go to Funtastic and we never went, so I told him today we would go.  I had to go anyways, because I had to finalize the details for Allison's birthday party that is going to be there.  I got myself completely ready to go, got Allison ready, and when I went to go help Ethan get ready, he decided he didn't want to go.  This meant that he fought me as I got him dressed, he refused to walk to the car so I had to drag him, and he pouted the ENTIRE way there.  Now I know you are probably thinking, "If he is behaving that way, why would you take him somewhere fun?"  Well, that's because he WANTS to stay home.  If I gave in and didn't go, he would get his way.  Also, Allison wanted to go, so it wasn't fair to her to make her miss out because he was being a grump.

When we got to Funtastic, he refused to wear socks, even though it was a strict rule there.  He kept trying to run out the door, and repeatedly said "I don't WANT to be here."  Somehow I am able to remain very patient, and I kept asking him if there was anything upsetting him that he wanted to talk about.  He said no.  My friend showed up, so I took the opportunity to take him into the restroom where we were alone, to again ask him why he was behaving this way.  He was still struggling to just get away from me (and at 7 years old and 50 pounds, he is getting quite strong!).  I was so fed up and frustrated.  This is how things ALWAYS are with him, and it makes no sense to me. 

My friend mentioned maybe he needed some sugar.  I was at my wits end, so I bought him a Reece cup.  He ate it, and literally, it was like a switch flipped and he was a totally different kid.  He eagerly put his socks on, and ran out to play and had a wonderful time.  He laughed, played with another little boy, ate lunch, and just had a great time.

Now I do think Ethan has some VERY high anxiety issues, but I also am starting to associate his behavior with sugar intake.  When he hasn't eaten (and he didn't want to eat anything before we went to Funtastic), he acts very, very poorly.  As soon as he has something high in sugar, he is a completely different kid.

Now I know I can't give him candy for breakfast, lunch, and dinner to make him be appropriate, but how on earth do you handle a child who is so anxious?  He's only 7!  I'm terrified he will act this way in school, and that would just be a nightmare.

I don't know.  That is my vent for today.

Years ago, around 2003, I started writing in a livejournal.  I wrote in it almost daily.  I started it right before I found out I was pregnant with Ethan, so his entire pregnancy, newborn days, toddler days, and preschool days are documented.  I haven't read them in years, but just today I went back and read some of it.  A lot of it was just day to day stuff, which most would find boring, but I was SO THANKFUL that I had all of that! 

My intentions when I started doing a blog was to continue the same writing.  But of course, life got in the way, and I never did it much.  Then when my sister got sick, I wrote daily in it again, but now that there isn't much change in her progress right now, it's back to collecting cyber-dust.

It is now my intention to start writing again.  It won't all be about my sister, but of course, I will talk about her.  It'll just be about myself, my kids, and my life in general.  I realize it will be boring to most, but it is so priceless to look back on these crazy days in years to come.

I'll post a link to my livejournal in my next post.  I loved that thing!

This blog post is at the request of Leslie.  She frequently reads my blog to remind her of what happened and how far she has come.  As I told her today, though, there won't be much to say because she is doing so well!

For me, the fact that we are just a couple months away from the one year anniversary of her incident is difficult.  On one hand, I can't believe how much time has gone by and how much progress she made, and on the other hand, I can't believe how long it's been since I last "experienced" the "old" Leslie.

Leslie struggles a lot with depression.  She wants to be back to where she used to be just as desperately as we want her back.  I don't really like to talk about what happened much anymore, but I love to talk about how accomplished my sister is.  From obtaining her master's degree to studying abroad in Spain, she has done so much.  It always made me so proud to tell people what she has done.  I totally get it when Leslie cries about how much things have changed.  What I wish I could stress to her, though, is just how amazingly far she has come.  She doesn't get that, since she obviously wasn't aware when any of the most critical events were happening.

Like when:

• We were first allowed back to see her at Brownstown Emergency Room.  We had to go back in two's.  The entire staff working that day looked at us with such sympathy.  I remember that clearly.

• Seeing her for the first time...she had two tubes in her nose down to her stomach, a few IV's, the ventilator in her mouth, and restraints on her arms so she couldn't pull any of it out.  When I first saw her, I remember thinking "I will be right here to explain everything to her when she wakes up"...with the thoughts that she was going to wake up any second.  Little did I know, it would be DAYS before she woke up

• Seeing her settled at the ICU at Henry Ford Main, having seizures every few minutes.  Her entire body shook.  The entire bed shook.  And all we could do was stand around her and stare.

• The night I broke down HARD.  Sobbing hysterically.  My face was right up next to hers and my body leaning over her.  As I sobbed, she showed no response.

• When she finally DID wake up, but her speech was not coherent and she had no control over anything

• The day we finally got to wash her hair, but she couldn't even sit up in the wheelchair.  She kept slumping to the left.  She finally wrapped her arms around my waist and looked up at me pitifully and told me she loved me

• When she finally made it to rehab, but she was being taught such basic things...  walking, bathing, using the bathroom

• When she first came home and she would spend the day with me while her husband was at work.  I literally had to do everything for her...help her shower, help her dress, remind her to eat, etc.

See how far she has come?  She is SO CLOSE to being back to normal.  Sure, there are many things she can't do.  But it's not that she won't ever do them again.  It's that she's not doing them YET.   I remember when this first happened, and for many months after, I kept saying "Why her?  Why us?"  It took me almost a full year to realize that tragedies happen daily... to many people.  And no one ever deserves it and there is rarely ever an explanation.  Reminding myself that our situation may be unique, but we are NOT alone in our sadness, anger, and inability to understand has helped me cope so much.

The million dollar question has always been "How's your sister doing?"  And my answer?  "She's doing amazing."