I have done a crazy amount of thinking lately, so this is basically going to be a "brain dump" kind of post.

This has been one hell of a year.  Obviously, because of what happened to my sister (the one year anniversary is coming up and I am having a really hard time thinking about that), but also other things.  Any type of tragedy can put a strain on relationships.  Jay has been absolutely phenomenal throughout all of it, but it's me that has been difficult to live with.  I have been hit with depression that is worse than ever.  My mood literally goes from happy to angry/sad in the blink of an eye, and my way of dealing with stress is to shop, shop, shop, and unfortunately, our bank account doesn't allow for my amount of stress.

I love my job as a nurse, but sometimes, it also gets very draining.  Obviously there are a ton of legal aspects to my job, so that adds stress, and it seems like every time I go in to work, the load gets bigger.  I'm sure you've heard about the nursing shortage.  It's true.  And there is no end in site.

I think I have wonderful parents.  We had such a normal life, if there is such a thing.  Just my sister and I, my parents, and we always had a dog that was doted on.  We did family vacations every summer, but usually it was low key stuff, like camping.  My sister and I did well in school, we got along great, we grew up into incredible women (had to say it...haha!) ...it was just all very normal.   Then I take a look at my current life, and I try to be as great of a mother as my own, yet Ethan can be SO disobedient and disrespectful, I wonder where I went wrong.  He has such a loving household and he has never gone without.  Why does he think this is okay?

While I was in Mackinac with my kids, I thought about a lot of things.  I thought about what is different with kids now versus back when I was a child.  Facebook, technology, and TV programming are just a few of the things.  When Ethan wakes up in the morning, he can usually find me on the computer.  If he needs something, he usually hears "hang on a minute."  When I was growing up, there was no computer.  My mom was THERE.  Not saying I'm not there for my kids, but it's in a different sense.  I'm distracted constantly.  I should be distracted by them, not some glowing screen.

Another thing.  In Mackinac, we were walking downtown, and there were t-shirt shops everywhere.  In one, Ethan noticed a shirt that had the Grinch on it.  He excitedly said, "Look, Mom!  It's the Grinch! ...is he holding a beer???" (Yes, yes he was) ...and I shooed him away.  There were t-shirts everywhere, for anyone to see with very vulgar words on them.  Ethan has a TV in his room, and he is allowed to watch cartoon network in the evening.  Did you know cartoon network turns into something called adult swim later in the evening?  Inappropriate cartoons are shown at this time.  To Ethan, it's just another cartoon.  But if you watch it, it's full of sexual jokes and alcohol.

Sometimes when I think about Ethan and how he acts, I wonder what is wrong.  Do I need a doctor to evaluate him?  Does he need psychological help to determine why he acts so defiantly?  Or do I just need to take a look at his surroundings?  It was practically a slap in the face when I really thought about it.

My mission is to simplify.  One word, a whole lotta meaning.  We spend to much and give too little.  We get wrapped up in technology and disregard our books and conversation.  We spend time inside lounging when nature is all around us (wading in the Great Lakes looking at rocks with my kids?  Amazing.)  I allow church to be optional for my kids.  Praying at home?  Eh, we sometimes do it.  My kids have toys EVERYWHERE.  Run to the supermarket?  Buy them a treat.  Stop at a toy store to buy someone a birthday present?  Sure, you guys can get a toy, too.

In a world where manners are becoming taboo, I refuse to succumb to this new "norm".  It's easy to do things the way we are doing them right now.  It's SO easy.  My kids are worth the work, though.  And hopefully someday they will be adults with their own children and looking back on their childhood as fondly as I look at mine.

Let's talk about Ethan.

Ethan just turned 7 July 20.  He has always been a unique kid, and it's really amazing and fun to watch him.  He taught himself the alphabet at a super young age, and since then, has always been crazy about letters and reading.  He reads ALL the time now.  He also loves to draw, write, and design.  He writes books, that are very creative and he has now started designing comic strips.  He tells us when he gets older, he wants to be an author.

While he is a very bright child, he also has a side that is very, very difficult.  He is as stubborn as a mule when he has to do something he doesn't want to.  He hates going places, even fun places.  He wants to stay home, all the time.  He can keep himself entertained for hours at home.

When he is nervous about something, he won't come out and say he is nervous, instead, he will act out...he'll get mouthy and defiant.  He is very hesitant to try new things.

Take today, for example.  He woke up in a bad mood.  The first words out of his mouth crabby words.  I always try to be very patient with him when he is like this (he has literally been this way since he was an infant).  Allison wasn't awake yet, so I sat by him on the couch, rubbing his back, and I told him I loved him.  Yesterday he was begging to go to Funtastic and we never went, so I told him today we would go.  I had to go anyways, because I had to finalize the details for Allison's birthday party that is going to be there.  I got myself completely ready to go, got Allison ready, and when I went to go help Ethan get ready, he decided he didn't want to go.  This meant that he fought me as I got him dressed, he refused to walk to the car so I had to drag him, and he pouted the ENTIRE way there.  Now I know you are probably thinking, "If he is behaving that way, why would you take him somewhere fun?"  Well, that's because he WANTS to stay home.  If I gave in and didn't go, he would get his way.  Also, Allison wanted to go, so it wasn't fair to her to make her miss out because he was being a grump.

When we got to Funtastic, he refused to wear socks, even though it was a strict rule there.  He kept trying to run out the door, and repeatedly said "I don't WANT to be here."  Somehow I am able to remain very patient, and I kept asking him if there was anything upsetting him that he wanted to talk about.  He said no.  My friend showed up, so I took the opportunity to take him into the restroom where we were alone, to again ask him why he was behaving this way.  He was still struggling to just get away from me (and at 7 years old and 50 pounds, he is getting quite strong!).  I was so fed up and frustrated.  This is how things ALWAYS are with him, and it makes no sense to me. 

My friend mentioned maybe he needed some sugar.  I was at my wits end, so I bought him a Reece cup.  He ate it, and literally, it was like a switch flipped and he was a totally different kid.  He eagerly put his socks on, and ran out to play and had a wonderful time.  He laughed, played with another little boy, ate lunch, and just had a great time.

Now I do think Ethan has some VERY high anxiety issues, but I also am starting to associate his behavior with sugar intake.  When he hasn't eaten (and he didn't want to eat anything before we went to Funtastic), he acts very, very poorly.  As soon as he has something high in sugar, he is a completely different kid.

Now I know I can't give him candy for breakfast, lunch, and dinner to make him be appropriate, but how on earth do you handle a child who is so anxious?  He's only 7!  I'm terrified he will act this way in school, and that would just be a nightmare.

I don't know.  That is my vent for today.

Years ago, around 2003, I started writing in a livejournal.  I wrote in it almost daily.  I started it right before I found out I was pregnant with Ethan, so his entire pregnancy, newborn days, toddler days, and preschool days are documented.  I haven't read them in years, but just today I went back and read some of it.  A lot of it was just day to day stuff, which most would find boring, but I was SO THANKFUL that I had all of that! 

My intentions when I started doing a blog was to continue the same writing.  But of course, life got in the way, and I never did it much.  Then when my sister got sick, I wrote daily in it again, but now that there isn't much change in her progress right now, it's back to collecting cyber-dust.

It is now my intention to start writing again.  It won't all be about my sister, but of course, I will talk about her.  It'll just be about myself, my kids, and my life in general.  I realize it will be boring to most, but it is so priceless to look back on these crazy days in years to come.

I'll post a link to my livejournal in my next post.  I loved that thing!

This blog post is at the request of Leslie.  She frequently reads my blog to remind her of what happened and how far she has come.  As I told her today, though, there won't be much to say because she is doing so well!

For me, the fact that we are just a couple months away from the one year anniversary of her incident is difficult.  On one hand, I can't believe how much time has gone by and how much progress she made, and on the other hand, I can't believe how long it's been since I last "experienced" the "old" Leslie.

Leslie struggles a lot with depression.  She wants to be back to where she used to be just as desperately as we want her back.  I don't really like to talk about what happened much anymore, but I love to talk about how accomplished my sister is.  From obtaining her master's degree to studying abroad in Spain, she has done so much.  It always made me so proud to tell people what she has done.  I totally get it when Leslie cries about how much things have changed.  What I wish I could stress to her, though, is just how amazingly far she has come.  She doesn't get that, since she obviously wasn't aware when any of the most critical events were happening.

Like when:

• We were first allowed back to see her at Brownstown Emergency Room.  We had to go back in two's.  The entire staff working that day looked at us with such sympathy.  I remember that clearly.

• Seeing her for the first time...she had two tubes in her nose down to her stomach, a few IV's, the ventilator in her mouth, and restraints on her arms so she couldn't pull any of it out.  When I first saw her, I remember thinking "I will be right here to explain everything to her when she wakes up"...with the thoughts that she was going to wake up any second.  Little did I know, it would be DAYS before she woke up

• Seeing her settled at the ICU at Henry Ford Main, having seizures every few minutes.  Her entire body shook.  The entire bed shook.  And all we could do was stand around her and stare.

• The night I broke down HARD.  Sobbing hysterically.  My face was right up next to hers and my body leaning over her.  As I sobbed, she showed no response.

• When she finally DID wake up, but her speech was not coherent and she had no control over anything

• The day we finally got to wash her hair, but she couldn't even sit up in the wheelchair.  She kept slumping to the left.  She finally wrapped her arms around my waist and looked up at me pitifully and told me she loved me

• When she finally made it to rehab, but she was being taught such basic things...  walking, bathing, using the bathroom

• When she first came home and she would spend the day with me while her husband was at work.  I literally had to do everything for her...help her shower, help her dress, remind her to eat, etc.

See how far she has come?  She is SO CLOSE to being back to normal.  Sure, there are many things she can't do.  But it's not that she won't ever do them again.  It's that she's not doing them YET.   I remember when this first happened, and for many months after, I kept saying "Why her?  Why us?"  It took me almost a full year to realize that tragedies happen daily... to many people.  And no one ever deserves it and there is rarely ever an explanation.  Reminding myself that our situation may be unique, but we are NOT alone in our sadness, anger, and inability to understand has helped me cope so much.

The million dollar question has always been "How's your sister doing?"  And my answer?  "She's doing amazing."

Long time, no post!  Sorry!  I look at the blog daily, but I'm running into some issues and rather than say the wrong thing, I kind of just say nothing at all!   I'll elaborate.  As of right now, Leslie is bringing in no income.  She doesn't have disability because they denied her.  When you are trying to get someone disability, they will try their hardest to find a reason, any reason, to deny someone, and I don't want anything I say to be used against her.  That would be tragic.

Anyways, she is doing quite well.  She stays home alone all day now by herself, as her husband has gone back to working days instead of afternoons.  We thought she'd be fine with this, but it actually makes her feel very scared and paranoid.  She loves company.  Even if it means you come by and have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with her or sit outside on their swing... she likes the company.  In her own words, someone coming over "gives her a reason to get up in the morning."  So don't hold back!  Call or text her and make a date, especially Monday-Friday, during the day.  She LOVES COMPANY!

She has started taking Ritalin to help with her motivation.  My mom does think it is helping.  She completely lacks taking the initiative to do something, but if you TELL her to do it, she does, and she does it well.  Take, for instance, vacuuming.  They were having some family over and their carpet needed to be vacuumed.  It took my moms prompting and reminding, but she did it!  And she did it VERY well.  She did more than just run it over the carpet a few times...she used the attachments and got all the corners.  She's good!

A lot of times, our interactions will feel like nothing ever happened, and I have to say, I love those moments.  I called her the other day to tell her about my car being broken into and her response and the light conversation that ensued after were very typical sister-sister talk.  I hung up the phone with her and just felt happiness.

There are still those times, though, where the reminders are very clear.  I do think I am suffering from a form of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, because when I remember things, I remember them in pieces, and usually when a vision comes on, it takes my breath away and I physically shake my head to get the thought out.  Sometimes it's something as small as seeing the scar on her right arm where her PICC line was, or when she will very lightly rub the scar on her left chest where the defibrillator is now placed,  because the site is still healing and it is itchy sometimes.

She is so strong, though, and I feel so incredibly blessed that we got the outcome we got.  I was just reading some facts on cardiac arrest and it said for every minute that a stopped heart goes without defibillation, the chances of survival drop by about 7-10%.  This is HUGE considering the chance of survival IN GENERAL when cardiac arrest occurs is slim to none!  She is SUCH A MIRACLE!  Someone was watching out for her that day and made it VERY clear.... her time here on Earth is NOT done.

Love you, Les.  Always have, and even more now.  You are my inspiration.

I'm not sure if any Brownstown Middle School staff or parents read my blog, but I just had to share this.

Leslie's memory comes and goes, but one thing she has had NO recollection of is teaching at BMS or being a Spanish teacher.  None at all.  Granted, we pretty much anticipated this, being that she had only been teaching Spanish there for about 3 weeks before she collapsed.

Well!  The day before Mother's Day, we were out to eat with our mom, and she shared a very detailed story from when she was teaching there.  Not only did she remember for a split second, but she remembered detail.

She's incredible.

At Christmas time, Leslie never once mentioned shopping for Christmas gifts.  Leslie is an awesome, thoughtful gift-giver, and this was just another sad reminder to her family the parts of her that were gone. 

Months later, and she can't stop talking about getting mom a present for Mother's Day.  We texted today, and tomorrow, these two sisters are going SHOPPING!

Bits of her come back, piece by piece.