Thursday, December 19, 2013

I can't bake to save my life.  I see all these delicious treats people are baking and I get a tiny bit envious.  Let me rehash some baking mishaps:

I tried making an angel food cake.  But I didn't have the right pan.  A pan is a pan, though, right?  NO!  If you use the wrong pan, the batter will spillith over and cause a large, balloon food cake that will promptly deflate when you attempt to cut it or smoosh down to the thickness of a saltine cracker because it's so "light and airy" ...or something.

The cake I made for Jay for his birthday a couple years ago.  I was in a bit of a hurry and attempted to frost it before it was completely cooled.  Okay, it was still scorching hot.  Whatev.  I frosted... it melted off.  I frosted more ... more melted off. I ended up with a double layer cake with NO frosting on top, and TWO CANS WORTH of frosting heaped around the edges.  So I decorated said heaps with sprinkles and called it a day.

Fast forward a few years and I decide to make a cake for my sister only this time I let it cool.  Completely.  Unfortunately, even though I used the same pan, one layer was more rounded, and when I stacked them, the top layer wanted to form to the dome shaped bottom layer.  Nothing a little extra frosting can't fix, right?  WRONG!   It didn't happen right away so I thought I was in the clear.  I frosted it and started to outline a heart using red M&M's.  Then I noticed gaps where I thought I placed an M&M only now there apparently wasn't one.  So I'd add another one.  Then a gap would form.  Then I realized my heart was getting very, very wide.  VERY wide.  GAPING wide.  Literally.  We had grand canyon going on.  I figured I could fix said gape with...you guessed it...more frosting.  So I did.  But the frosting make the gape bigger and it was a lost cake.  I named it my volcano cake.

My most recent incident involved boxed brownies.  How do you screw up boxed brownies?  Just ask me.  I was invited to a fancy schmancy book club so I thought I'd take regular old box brownies and spruce 'em up by adding white chocolate chips, cause white chocolate is fancy, ya'll!  I mixed the batter and stirred in some chips.  Some meaning the whole bag.  It just looked so fancy!  Put it in the pan and set the timer.  Timer goes off, and as I grab the pan, the entire middle jiggles.  Totally raw.  I add 10 more minutes.  Check it again.  Pretty gooey! Five more minutes and I take them out and let them cool.  When I go to cut them to put on a fancy plate (fancy meaning one of our regular dinner plants.  We don't do fancy here) the knife didn't cut a dang thing.  It smeared my brownies.  Smeared 'em all over.  We tried to save them by mooshing them into a square like figure, and they looked decent, but if you tried to pick it up, it was a lost cause. 

I can't really think of other baking woes but they ALWAYS happen.  I can follow a recipe to the T and somehow screw it up.  My cooking is no better, so I don't even try.

Sigh,

1 comment:

molly tuttle said...

I'm sorry but it has to be a Tuttle thing... Or like a Tuttle offspring thing I'm the same. I cook. Like I can cook food food, but as for bakery. I suck!!! I buy box most of the time but they never turn out anything like there supposed to. My chocolate cookies are either rocks... Or so buttery they are crumbling. Brownies are just a disaster. Cakes is a no go.
I have came to the conclusion and I think you should come to this realization as well. We should stick to no bake cooking. Lol... Grandma's peanut butter pinwheel candies, I can do... Those no bake cheesecakes... They rock.
For me putting anything in the oven, turns in to just killing and cremation