If my husband were to say to me right this second, "I think I'd like to try for a fourth baby." ...I'd be ALL for it! Before, I always said I was d-o-n-e, but lately, as I care for Evan, my heart just feels so full of love, I just know I have room to love more.
But then I really think about it. Is my heart telling me to have more because I truly want more children? Or is my heart FINALLY at peace, and I am FINALLY allowing myself to just enjoy what I have? I have always been the type of person to think there is something more out there. Something better. Everything I had? It's good, but I could have BETTER. I could have MORE. That's not necessarily a bad thing to be like. You should always chase your dreams. I'm not really talking about it like that, though. For me, it was just never been satisfied with what I had. And that is a shame.
I can try to break it down: My family of 5 and 2 dogs live in a home that is less than 1000 square feet. We have always driven new, fancy cars, but now we have one leased car and one used car. Okay, van. A used van. No features. Our house is small and our bedrooms are tiny. So tiny, in fact, that now that we have three children, my husband and I had to retreat to the stinky basement to sleep so the kids could have their own rooms. It's not a luxury that they have their own rooms, it's a necessity. There is no room for more than one child per room. We don't have carpet in our living room because after one of our dogs got violently ill on the area rug, we literally had no choice but to get rid of it. It's not in the budget to replace it, so we have hardwood floors that are less than perfect. Most of our furniture is hand-me-downs and our kids need new bedroom furniture in the worst way. We could certainly use new paint jobs in several rooms and I am pretty certain we don't have matching window treatments in any of our rooms. There is dog hair under the couch and finger prints on the windows. The front door sticks when you close it and the side door creaks in the worst way. We desperately need a plummer to check out our bathroom sink, since the hot tap water doesn't work and the drain is constantly clogged. Shall I go on?
On the flip-side? We have a home. And it's a nice home. On cold days we are warmed by heat and on hot days we are cooled by air conditioner. Our kids have their own spaces with their own toys. Nice toys. We have Internet and a laptop. We have cell phones, DVR, and a big screen TV. We have two dogs that live like royalty. One dog has stomach issues and we are able to provide him with a special dog food that is pricey. He was a rescue, and it would be easier to give him back, but instead we do what he needs to be comfortable. We never go to bed hungry and we have two reliable vehicles. We have supportive families that would walk to the ends of the earth for us. We have reliable jobs and health insurance. We have love. A LOT of love. Our kids have a great education and are involved in extra curriculars of their choosing. We have a church we call home and the knowledge that God will provide.
All my life I wanted more, more, more. Looking at Evan, I appreciate the things I can give him. I love seeing him snuggled in bed, warm and comfortable. I love giving him a bottle, knowing his belly is full. I love seeing his smile, knowing he is happy. He is ALWAYS happy. I can take these feelings and say, "I love this so much, I want to do it with another child!" ...or I can take these feelings as, "I am finally at peace." I have all I want, I have all I need. There will always be bigger and better, but it's not a requirement to live.
With God's grace, I will learn to simplify and appreciate. Because I have so, so much to be appreciative of.