Sunday, July 21, 2013

I don't know the exact date, but right around this time last year is when I found out I was pregnant.  Not with Evan.  With a different baby.

How it came about is actually kind of strange.  I have always used birth control and never had any issues.  Both of my previous pregnancies were very much planned.  I'd go off the pill, get pregnant, then resume it again.  With Ethan, it took about 3 months to get pregnant.  Allison took about 16 months.  For this pregnancy, though, we were not planning on any more babies, so I was taking it as I always did.  Then I started noticing that every single day I was having stomach aches.  I never felt well.  I thought nothing of it, just that it was really annoying.  One day while grocery shopping, I threw a pregnancy test in the cart, truly not thinking much of it.  I took it when I got home:  positive.  I cried.  This was not what we planned.  I was scared and unprepared.  Little did I know, I would only knowingly "have" that baby for a week, because almost a week to the day, I miscarried.  It was horrendous and so painful.  I cried so much.  I remember the exact moment Jay said, "I guess maybe our family ISN'T complete," based on how devastated we were by our loss.

It was then that we came to the decision that we would put it into God's hands.  Jay would be turning 31 4 months from the miscarriage, so if I didn't get pregnant by then, we would make our decision final and turn towards permanent methods of birth control.

Three weeks later, I got another positive pregnancy test.  The line was SO faint, but I could see it.  I called my OB and she was VERY skeptical.  She gave me an appointment to see her, but she made it very far out.  I was nearly 11 weeks when I finally saw and and it was officially confirmed.  I was pregnant again, and I was due May 15.

May 17 is when our miracle entered this world:  Evan Jack.  His middle name, Jack, is after Jay's Grandpa. My heart has ALWAYS told me he is still very much with us despite the fact that he passed away of brain cancer about 8 years ago.  My miscarriage was what I would consider my "rock bottom" after my sister's incident in 2010.  I couldn't stop thinking, "Really, God?  Now THIS??"  Getting pregnant again, while scary and the pregnancy was less than ideal with all the health scares, has restored my faith.  I was blessed with this incredible little life, and I just KNOW a higher power sent him to me to soften my heart.  And it worked.  I stare at Evan in awe.  Occasionally, he will look around the room and smile.  He's not looking at anything in particular, but there is no doubt that whatever he IS looking at, he is seeing.  I can't see it, but he can, and the smile on his face and the sparkle in his eyes make me feel he is seeing something very, very special.  I don't think it's someTHING, though.  I think it's someONE.  And the sparkle in Evan's blue eyes matches the sparkle that used to be in his great-grandpa's blue eyes.

Thank you, Jack Kowalski, for sending Evan Jack to us.

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