Monday, January 28, 2013

Space bar is fixed!  FINALLY!

Since the second to last time I posted (not the last, where I explained the space bar situation, but the time before that) ...a lot has happened.

I don't go back and re-read entries, so I may repeat myself, but we had the 2 year anniversary of my sisters incident on September 20.  It was low key and that was okay.  Bottom line is it will always be a memory day for us.

Before that it was the miscarriage, and that's where I'll start with today.

I don't need to say the miscarriage was hard because that's a given.  You don't even need to experience one to know.  But that was the start of a rough patch for me.

About 4 weeks after the miscarriage, before I even had a regular cycle, I got pregnant again and I felt such a sense of peace and contentment.  Peace in knowing this time it would be okay.  Contentment in knowing that we wanted this, and the loss prior proved it to us.

Now going back further to when my sister got sick and I started to realize a lifestyle change...a MAJOR lifestyle change was taking place that I struggled to adapt to, lead to me being put on a high dose of antidepressants.  By "high dose" I mean, "there is no higher dose available".  And what areas that didn't help me with, I had an anxiety medication to fill in the gaps.  No, I was not striving to be in a loopy, comatose state.  I was striving to be OUT of the comatose state.  And it helped.

Pregnancy changes things (duh!) so those medications are gone.  Which means I'm on my own here and it is freaking HARD.

I am so thankful for this little life my body is nourishing.  I love every kick and squirm.  I recently told Jay I feel more prenatal attachment to this baby than I did with Ethan and Allison, which we both attribute mostly to the fact that this WILL be our last baby so these pregnancy moments are done after this one is born.  For me, though, it's going through these mental nightmares and doing it all for that sweet, sweet baby, because he is worth it to me.

At present day, I am 25 weeks pregnant.  I LOVE feeling the movement and I constantly day dream about what he will look like.  I can't wait to hold him on my chest, skin to skin, for as long as possible.  I can't wait to see what he'll think of his big sister who I am almost certain be treating him like a real doll, dressing him, moving him around, pushing him in the stroller, and hopefully all of this with as little injury to him as possible.  I'm excited to see how Ethan will handle having a brother who is SO much younger than him.  It's exciting!

I am just a realist, though, and know that being off medication for the good of a growing baby IS a good thing, that to think that my life will all of a sudden be rainbows and unicorns once baby is here (because being off my medications right now is not easy in the least!) is not all that realistic, and I know this new baby as well as my older babies, will need a mom that isn't walking a fine line of stability.  Nope!  Not gonna happen.

Now HOW I am going to ensure my needs are met post-partum, that is another hurdle in my way, so I'll save that for another post.  I'm just glad to be back!!

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