Tuesday, August 28, 2012

You don't even have to know me very well to know that I don't have a whole heck of a lot of confidence within myself.  I seek approval from anyone and everyone all the time.

There are a few things in my life, though, that I don't need others to tell me I am good at (note I said good, NOT perfect) because I already know it.  I know it because I pour my heart and soul into the role and I truly feel if you give something your all, you will be successful.

I'm a good mom.  I adore my children and I believe with my whole heart that they are the greatest creation I have ever had a part in.  Sure, they see me fly off the hook sometimes (all the time) or sit around in pajama pants at 2 in the afternoon and announce "chips and dip for lunch today!" probably more than they should, BUT... they know I love them with every ounce of my being.  They are doted on hand and foot and I would lay my life down in a heartbeat if it meant protecting theirs.   The only authentic art work I own is the works of Ethan and Allison, and their masterpieces are decorated all over my cupboards and walls.  I save everything.  My closet looks like it's out of an episode of Hoarders, but if you took the time to REALLY look, you'd see it consists of folders upon folders of little snippets of all parts of their lives.  I never doubt, not for one second, that they don't know just how much I love them.

I'm a good wife.  Luckily, Jay does not log into my blog so he can't do any editing, but on the flip side, he could log in if he wanted, because our lives are shared.  No secrets.  He is the only human being who can drive me crazy both in a good way and a bad way.  He loves football, I love Real Housewives.  He loves (has) to budget, I spend like money grows on trees (technically speaking, though, it does..)  Bottom line is, we share the common bond that family is everything.  We chose each other for a reason, and we don't take our relationship lightly.  There is nothing in this entire world that I keep secret from him (except the Target bill, and only then, it's only secret until it arrives in the mail) and he is the same.  I pride myself on our trust, faithfulness, and loyalty.  And the greatest part?  I could take out the "mom" parts of the above paragraph and replace it with "dad", and it would be completely applicable.

I'm a good nurse.  It's not an act when I take care of a patient.  And to me, they aren't patients, but people.  Both fortunately and unfortunately, I know the role of being a patient and being the family member of a patient, and those memories never fade and I definitely apply them in my practice.  Won't lie, seeing the diagnosis "ETOH addiction" or hearing "go ahead and push the dilaudid faster...it works better that way!" makes me roll my eyes and want to run off into the sunset screaming, there are so many amazing moments that trump those.

I'm a good Christian.  It took me 30 years to fully grasp what it meant to be a Christian, and I can say that ever since the near death experience with ,my sister, I have finally learned that God is key.  I hate that it took me so long to "get it", but I am so glad I finally did.  Every single decision I make, I literally do think, "What would God think?" and act based on that.  I'm far from a perfect Christian. FAR from it.  But I can say with confidence that God knows I am trying.  When I hear my daughter sing worship music, clench her hands in the world's tightest fist when she prays or hear that my son did the prayer over the children's offering in Sunday School, my heart bursts with love and amazement.

The past two years have been hell on Earth.  I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy.  Through it, though, I have learned more about MYSELF than ever, and the above are the biggest things.  I've learned I cannot control my surroundings, but I can control how I respond.  I've learned that people may hurt me, but it is not my job to ensure they understand or feel the pain they inflicted.  I've learned that sometimes, the only things important in life are God and family.  The world can crumble all around you. but if the foundation YOU are standing on is strong, you will be just fine.

I will be just fine.

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