Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Why is this happening again?

For the send time today, I am sobbing, trembling, and nauseous.

I have taken my anti-depressant, my anti-anxiety medicine, AND a sleeping pill and I can't sleep.

Why did this happen to Leslie?  What if she does die?  Who is to say that whatever mystery thing that happened to her heart that day won't happen again?  God took the parts that made her HER, who is to say he won't take her physical body, too?

Dr. Hudson told me no more babies.  I am thankful for the two I've got, but what if what happened to my mom with HER baby happens to me with my babies?

Why did Uncle Jim die?  Why didn't anyone work harder to save him?  I am a nurse and I deal with alcoholics all the time.  Did I ever go see him?  No.  Well, once when he was in the ICU.  I just kept assuming he'd get it together.  What person with a disease as strong as alcholism overcomes it alone?

Why the nightmares?  Jim coming back, me trying to help him, but by the time I get to him I remember he is dead.  Leslie at a funeral.  Me, all alone, with no kids. 

Why am I at rock bottom NOW?  Why is it ALL falling down NOW?  Why aren't there ANY answers?  Why do I have to live the rest of my life in fear.  Fear that something else awful will happen.  Fear that at any minute, someone else I love will go away.

Why is it so hard to just do what I need to do.  When I should be out of bed and functioning, it's like I'm glued to the bed and can hardly move.  When I should be resting, I am so anxious I literally can't stop trembling.

My body hurts, my heart hurts, my head hurts, nothing feels normal.  No one understands, including myself.  Why don't I grieve like a normal person?  Be sad, then pick up the pieces and move on.  Why the constant flashbacks?  Why do I keep her cut up sweater amongst my clothes?  I won't look at it, but I know it's there.  Why do I start to panic when I realize that the farther we get from September 20, the harder it's going to be to remember her before this happened?

I hate this.  I hate every bit of it and I don't think I will ever get over it.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You don't know how bad I want to fix all this, but I can't. You know your family is always there for you, and we need each other now more than ever. Just know you are not alone with your feelings, it is just terrible you have the outside termoil going on with mean, rude inconsiderate people. We all know you love your work as a nurse, and work is where you should be able to concentrate on your patients and set aside your worries, but a couple of people will not allow that. Stay strong and remember that a lot of people love you.